A moment’s glance at my penis . . .

Crooked, purple, happy and sad, afraid of overhead lights, my penis hardly extends beyond my bellybutton. If one were to examine the topography of my body as if it were a foreign land, my penis would be no more than a small hill in the depths of a valley. If my pelvis was considered sea level, my dick would then be no more than a thin piece of seaweed flapping from the ocean floor. 

My penis when flaccid is a sixteenth of its size when erect so you can only imagine the disgusting amount of superfluous flesh dangling from its neck like a turkey wattle. This skin hangs lower than my testicles and if I’m in a playful mood, I often place my entire package in this fleshy sac and cry myself to sleep at night. 

Despite this all, my penis has character. He has a sense of style that is truly rare in the penis world. He has good color and shape and a consistent girth from base to point resembling that of a lighthouse as opposed to a mountain or steeple. 

He has been called a myriad names ranging from The House Wren to Twisted Walter, but none more devastating than cute. When your penis is considered cute, you have reached the ultimate depths of the hog world. We all know what cute means; cute implies childlike, innocent, unthreatening, and of course, small. Cute is what we say about a dog taking a shit on a flowerbed, or a baby falling down the stairs . . . Cute does not imply “goddamn that is a massive cock” or “holy fuckshit, I want that inside of me now if it will fit.” Cute will rarely, if ever, bring a person to orgasm (not even a midget -- because you would think, “hey, a midget is like a small person, so perhaps proportionally my cute penis might be like a big, mean, mule dick or something to them,” but this is not the case), and rarely, if ever, will a cute penis engender pain in a person. And you may hate to admit it, because it is wrong and immoral and politically incorrect and Allah will strike you down in the desert, but the best thing to hear, or at least I imagine it would be, is your partner telling you that it hurts because your dick is just too big. “Oh, Billy, I’m so sorry... We can’t tonight because your cock is just too massive.” Do you think Billy is depressed about this? Do you really think you need to apologize?

Unlike Billy, I’ve never had a woman stop me during sex. Addendum: Never had a woman stop me during sex because my penis was too large. I have had women stop me for a pantload of other reasons though: 1) She was laughing too hard, 2) she was crying too much, 3) I reminded her of her father or brother or uncle, 4) she failed to see the utility in such things (I hate that bitch with a passion), and 5) she wasn’t sure if we were really having sex or not (I’ll admit that there was a lot of drinking going on there, but I mean, come on, not sure if we’re actually having sex).

Don’t get me wrong though, I still love my penis. I love him regularly (in a sock, in between the cushions of a couch), and quite frankly, I know he loves me too.