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DIRECTIONS FOR USING MY MY SLO-MO BUTTON
BY JAMIE ALLEN

You are reading this because something terrible has happened to me. Was it a car accident? I don't know. Am I dead? There's not much I can do about that now. My only concern is that you take good care of my My Slo-Mo Button. Below you'll find directions that I hope you will follow, out of respect for me, and certainly out of respect for the exceptional, antique product you now have in your possession.

INTRODUCTION TO MY 
MY SLO-MO BUTTON

Yes, this is The Original My Slo-Mo Button, released by Hasbro during Christmas season, 1979, and then quickly recalled. Look at it; look at its simple yet genius design: small red plastic cube acting as a foundation for a smaller red plastic button, ready to activate the slo-mo magic inside. Doesn't it look nice? It has not been easy to keep it in this pristine condition. It is valuable. It would sell for a good sum on eBay. There are few like it in the world.

RECOMMENDED CARE

Though its simple design is hardy, my My Slo-Mo Button is to be kept in its original carton when not being used or shown to friends. I recommend storage in a cool, dry fireproof safe. Do not let the dog gnaw on it while you are away. Do not abuse the toy with aggressive use or careless tossing onto a sofa or chair. And know that the button can become worn if not cared for properly. Finger oils might damage the finish. After use, I advise drawing up a light H20/Windex solution (3/1 ratio) and wipe it with a cotton cloth in circular fashion over the button and cube. Dry with a fresh cloth.

RECOMMENDED STYLE WHEN USING

As you probably know, the My Slo-Mo Button was created to give its user the exquisite (and now retro) effect of personal slow motion whenever they wanted it. When production ceased and the toy recalled after two months (due to various legal entanglements), it became an artifact of its time. For this reason, I believe it deserves to have a user willing to pay homage to the sensibilities of that era, when style was king and the secret to "cool" like Fonzie's magic rap on the jukebox was never revealed. In that spirit, when using the product it is suggested that you do not forecast your intentions. For instance, don't hold it in one hand in front of you, waiting for the right moment, and then push down deliberately with your opposite-hand finger. People will obviously know something's coming. Instead, conceal the My Slo-Mo Button in a jacket pocket or in a hand at your side. Pick your moment, push with stealth. As any magician knows, secrecy is style. When observers see you suddenly slip into slow motion, they will react with innocent awe and happiness, like children surprised again by a favorite magic trick. 

For added visual, perhaps you should feather your bangs and wear a sweatsuit, just like one might have done in 1979. Your bangs will flop in slow motion; your sweatsuit will create the illusion that being slo-mo is natural for you. If you are black, wear an afro.

RECOMMENDED USAGE

When Dancing: As I write this, I have to admit I am jealous of you and how you will use my My Slo-Mo Button on the dance floor one night soon. The times I have surprised people with its nearly forgotten pleasures! How the people will stop and stare at your slow-motion dance moves in the strobe-licked night! 

A word of warning: People can get tired of anything, so use my My Slo-Mo Button in moderation on the dance floor. If you're white, think "Office Space" for usage reference. No one went crazy with their My Slo-Mo Button in that movie. They used it judiciously, and it shows. As in that movie, you might save it for rap songs, which seem particularly suited to slow-motion effects. For best results, try to find the appropriate moment in the song when it builds to a musical climax, then hit that button firmly and enjoy the effects. And never use while enjoying headbanger music, because you will merely bang your head very slowly, like someone who is possibly brain damaged.

When Making an Entrance: For a spectacular personal effect, one that attracts immediate attention, hit the My Slo-Mo Button just as you enter a party. There's no denying just how cool this can make even the drippiest geek look. (See Wes Anderson films for usage references.) However, when pulling this entrance maneuver, it's best to know the people at the party. Strangers might immediately assume that anyone who enters a party in slow motion must have an unbearable ego. Your friends, however, will know better and they will lightly tease you after. And your best pal will secretly roil with envy at the sight of your entrance and how his girlfriend (or wife, as the case may be) watched you, lips slightly parted, for several moments too long. 

When Playing Sports: Use of the My Slo-Mo Button is recommended only after an athletic achievement is completed. For instance, while playing pick-up football: If you have just caught a perfectly tossed bomb and you are 10 yards from pay dirt, sprinting, and your envious best pal from that party is chasing you five yards behind, DO NOT use this moment to unfurl a slo-mo taunting episode in front of him. What will happen is, you will look spectacular, but you will also essentially stop running before you reach the goal and while you are locked in slow motion your envious best pal will have a free shot at you, one that he will not pass in taking. I often saved football use of my My Slo-Mo Button for a post-score Billy "White Shoes" Johnson Chicken-Legged Dance and Spike. 

When Having Sex: You'll likely encounter mixed results here. Use of my My Slo-Mo Button has certainly been timed with an orgasm, thereby drawing out those final delicious moments for what seemed like blessed eternity. This is something to be experienced, with a caveat: You won't want your partner (if you have one) armed with a digital camera when it happens (remember, you are in a compromising position for an extended period, and your Slo-Mo Sex Face is never flattering, especially when sent via email). Also, be warned: If you engage the My Slo-Mo Button too soon, before the climax hits, you run to risk of Premature Slo-Mo, which has been known to cause loss of orgasm. Also, stay away, at all costs, from Post-Coital Slo-Mo, which is like torture -- imagine lying next to the person you just finished up with, wanting nothing more than to get far, far away them, but you can't because you're experiencing it all in slow motion. 

When Playing With Children: Though most children today will doubtless be unimpressed with the once groundbreaking and excellent effects of my My Slo-Mo Button, thanks to their steady diet of Modern Technological Wonders, it is still recommended that you use one when playing with children. In fact, if you are a parent or babysitter of some kind, my My Slo-Mo Button can be, with practice, a valuable resource. You can slo-mo a child as you save them from an unfortunate fall; stop them from running into the traffic; or force them into a mandatory timeout while you collect yourself and let your I-need-caffeine-right-now frustration subside. That's not to mention a little-known study out of Harvard that showed the effects of My Slo-Mo Buttons to induce promising behavior in children with ADD.

When Near the Elderly: Though Hasbro still denies it (even after the string of legal settlements following the product's removal from market), it is generally acknowledged that My Slo-Mo Buttons are dangerous to use around old people. It's simple physics: The elderly move so slow, and pushing a My Slo-Mo Button around them could possibly stop them cold. Forever. Best to play it safe. If your grandparents are still alive, and you love them, don't even think of bringing my My Slo-Mo Button around them. (Better keep it away from your parents, too. They're getting up there!)

FINAL THOUGHTS

My My Slo-Mo Button is/was very important to me. Thank you for taking proper care of it. Please use in moderation, and have fun!

[Forever after at http://eyeshot.net/allenslomo.html


 

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