THINGS YOU WOULD KNOW ABOUT PAUL IF YOU WERE HIS FRIEND
BY TIMMY WALDRON

My friend Paul lives in a mansion. Itís not his mansion; heís just watching it for a friend. The mansion is one of many opulent estates that sit just off of Edgerstone Rd. in Princeton, New Jersey. I went to visit Paul the other night in his mansion, I knocked on the door and rang the bell but he didnít answer. It is hard to hear the door if you are all the way back in the TV room. I tried calling him on his cell phone but the walls of the house are so thick that it hinders the reception.  I was able to get him on the house line; he came to the front door and got me. Paul hadnít shaved in a few days and smelled like scotch, which is part of his getting ready for summer dietÖ, scotch, Marlboro Mediums, and slim fast. I asked him how work was going; he said didnít like his job and wanted to quit (part of the reason he hadnít shaved). I told him heíd most likely get fired if thatís how he dressed for work. Paul likes plaid and patchwork preppie clothing. Often he will rummage through old clothes boxes in the mansion for outfits to wear to work. Usually they are things that were very fashionable at Yacht clubs in the seventies and eights. He was wearing  blue corduroys with seagulls stitched up and down the pant legs, a pink button down, a scarf, a tweed blazer, and aviator sun glasses; all this for watching TV alone on a Tuesday night. 

On Sunday Kelly came home from the city and invited us over to Paulís mansion for a barbeque. Kelly and Paul are super good friends, in fact her parents own Paulís mansion. She lives in Manhattan and her parents spend most of their time in Florida. When Kellyís parents come back to Princeton he moves back in with his mother in Trenton. This house is also a mansion and Paul lives on the third floor. His mother is a Detective Sergeant in the Prosecutorís office; coincidentally she works with my father.  They work in different departments, she caries a gun and my father does not, he is a lawyer.  Sometimes ďJohnsĒ will pick up hookers in Trenton and look for a place to do their business. Paulís momís house is in a neighborhood by the park where the hookers hang out. The ďJohnsĒ often end up parking their cars in front of her place. Paulís mom stays on the look out for such shady dealings.  If she sees a strange car parked in front of her house she will go out to the car with her badge and gun. Usually this happens late at night so when she knocks on the window she is in her bathrobe. She never arrests them, just tells the girls never to bring men back to her house again. So consider yourself warned, if youíre picking up hookers in Trenton, donít stop in front of Paulís momís house for hanky panky.

My girlfriend Jill and I got to Kellyís BBQ at Paulís mansion around 6:00pm, we brought hamburgers and hotdogs. Kelly made Caesar salad dressing from scratch, Paul seasoned the hamburgers with fresh pressed garlic, Worcestershire sauce, and spices; Jill made Kabobs with shrimp and scallops, and I cut up Zucchini and Eggplant to be grilled. When we were cooking the hamburgers Paul told me how much he hated his job and his piece of shit car. Paul drives a 1982 Toyota-Tercel-stick-shift-hatchback, most of the year. He told me he couldnít wait for the summer. In the summer Paul lives at the Jersey shore. He rents a house with his friends. They all spend their weekends there but Paul makes it his home and lives there all week. The commute wonít bother him because he will take his BMW out from storage in his momís garage and drive that all summer. Everyone at the shore house says Paul has a seasonal disorder because he is so miserable most the year and so happy during the summer. Paulís also happier in the summer because he makes out with college girls. 

While almost in his thirties and sometimes living with his mother Paul still gets college girls. And not regular college girls either, Paul get the kind of college girls you couldnít get when you were in college, hell Paul couldnít get these girls when he was in college. In fact if you are in college now and have a crush on some unattainable girl, Paul probably made out with her. Strange I know. But fret not,  Paulís seasonal disorder makes it impossible for him to keep a relationship for more than three months, once labor day passes his mood goes sour. Last summer he broke up with his girlfriend over email, he said he felt suffocated and needed more space. She was taking a semester abroad at the time. Thatís about all I can tell you about Paul for now. 

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