To:
submit@eyeshot.net
From:
Mellick1@aol.com
Subject: submission
-- mrs. president
Received:
4/19/00 2:57 AM
Hello,
I am submitting
my prose-poem, "Mrs. President," within the body of this message.
Please consider it for Eyeshot!
Bio: Carlton
Mellick III runs Eraserhead
Press, which publishes zines and chapbooks of surrealism, absurdism,
and magic realism. He has written 4 novels and has sold work to over
thirty markets such as Winedark Sea, Driver's Side Airbag, The Dream Zone,
Xero, The Vestal Review, and Redsine.
Regards,
Carlton Mellick
III
Eraserhead
Press
MRS. PRESIDENT
by Carlton
Mellick III
175 words
* = italics
She was a sexy
president and everyone thought so. And everyone knew she was addicted
to sex.
She would throw
wild orgies in the oval office (which she referred to as the *oral* office,
which was a lame joke but all the men laughed at it anyway) and sometimes
while addressing congress she would spreadeagle and let all the senators
gang-bang her live on television. She was on the cover of *Playboy*.
She legalized prostitution, statutory rape (depending on the circumstances),
and same-sex marriages, as well as enforcing safe sex by putting free condom
dispensers on every corner. And to stop teen pregnancy, she made
it mandatory for girls under 18 to get an abortion. Pro-life protesters
threw a fit, but they always do. They have fun doing it too. A protest
is great tool for meeting people. Nobody really knows how she got to become
president, but I bet she slept her way to the top. And I bet she had fun
doing it too.
A vagina is
great tool for meeting people.
EYESHOT'S
FIRST RESPONSE
Greetings Mr
Mellick,
A vagina is
a great tool for meeting people, I agree. My attempts to get into vaginas
have led to many long-lasting friendships. Most of the hosts of these targeted
vaginas, however, would like maybe miss the satirical value of the (gag)
"prose poem" you submitted. I forwarded your work to a couple of my friends
(all gash) and they were unanimously in favor of taking the rejection into
their own hands. You're a student at Arizona State, they might find you
. . . luckily the majority of those who read "Mrs. President" were
not shocked enough to really give a shit. The (gag) "prose poem" fails
even as something that incites PC-induced automatic attacks. (But hey,
one of them at least thought you
were pretty cute . . . )
You champion
bizarre lit but it seems you spend way too much time securing bullshit
Geocities sites to post zines that aren't even online than actually trying
to write something interesting . . . What the fuck were you thinking
when you wrote, let alone submitted, this (gag) "prose poem"? Is it really
a poem? Are you trying to dig a foundation of bullshit so once you graduate
you can raise a spectacularly turd-filled silo? I'm just provoking you
. . . I
too am Nazi and Jew.
I'd like to
post this poem . . . but first you must engage in a duel of correspondence.
Speak up for yourself. You have words and anonymity to deploy: justify
yourself. Why did you submit this (gag) "prose poem" to Eyeshot?
Again, I'll
probably post the poem, depending on how well you consider your responses,
depending on how much life you've got left in you . . .
Lee Klein
Eyeshot.net
HIS FIRST
REBUTTAL
Lee,
Well,
thanks for writing a detailed message. Thanks for sending the story
around and checking out my website and responding in length. I want to
mention it is not an "attack" on anyone or even just sexist humor.
And it is not meant to be shock lit, even though most people say I write
a lot of shock lit. I never shock for shock's sake. Most people are
not shocked by anything anyway.
You wrote:
<< You champion bizarre lit but it seems you spend way too much time
securing bullshit Geocities sites to post zines that aren't even
online than actually trying to write something interesting . . .
>>
Hey, are you
talking about "The Dream People?"
Haha, well you have your opinions. Negative, negative. Actually,
you are right I should spend more time on writing. That is why I have a
staff of editors taking over, such as John Vandermeer from Ministry of
Whimsy Press. Read the current issue or especially the next issue
of the zine before judging. One story I published was included in
the Best of the Web Anthology (most of the other stories published were
from pro-paying webzines), another story was recommended for a Bram
Stoker award. Look at me, I'm defending myself. defending and
defending. What's wrong with me?
You wrote:
<<What the fuck were you thinking
when
you wrote, let alone submitted, this (gag) "prose poem"?>>
What I was
thinking: well, it isn't meant to be negative to women. And
nobody should take it negatively. If you process information negatively
it will affect you negatively.
This is meant
to be totally absurd. It is actually commenting on how sex is always
on the male mind and this is the cliched male's perception of a "fantasy
president". I have been fooling around with the idea of writing a collection
called "Masturbation Fantasy," which would be a series of comments from
horny teenage boys concerning such things as a female president or a female
pope or all-nude girl schools, plus other absurd and impossible things
... including trekkies and their klingon women dreams, D&D kids with
their wizard women, goths with their vampire fantasies. It would explore
other social absurdities as well. The possibilities are endless.
Women who cry "sexist" would call men's personal fantasies sexist.
But maybe men really are sexist because they fantasize about such things.
Who doesn't want three beautiful sex slaves if they were socially acceptable?
If that was put in a movie, it would disgust women, or if it was an act
in a strip club... all sexist and degrading. So what's the difference between
a strip club and a masturbation fantasy? Both exploit women for the same
reason (well, I guess a fantasy can't give you a lap dance, but if you
are just watching ...).
Strippers choose
their job and men choose their fantasies, so nobody is the victim of this.
The last line
is a tad sexist though. Not to women, but to men. It is supposed to be
written from a general male's point of view, so calling a vagina a "tool"
is just criticism of the stereotypical male attitude.
But I can see
both sides on this. Both men and women are to blame. Men are
easily blamed, because of the way they think. And women are to blame
because they are offended by it, and letting something offend you is a
weakness on your part. When somebody offends you, it is not the offender
who hurts you, it is yourself. As I said above: If you process
information negatively it will affect you negatively.
I hope that
is enough defense. I'm sure I could go on.
You wrote:
<< Is it really a poem?>>
Yes.
It's not verse, of course, but I'd call it a poem. It's not short-short
prose, because there is no beginning, middle, and end. believe
it is safe to say poetry does not have rules.
You wrote:
<<Are you trying to dig a foundation of bullshit so once you graduate
you can raise a spectucularly turd-filled silo? I'm just provoking you
. . .>>
Ha ... thanks.
I don't think bullshit, but I like the turd-filled silo.
You wrote:
<< I too am Nazi and Jew >>
Really?
Wow, I have never met anyone else. I'm not sure if my great grandparents
were killed in the holocaust - my grandfather was adopted into an Irish
family - Mellick - but I know some of my family on my mom's side
were nazis, one of them was a duke in Germany.
You wrote:
<< I'd like to post this poem . . . but first you must engage in
a duel of correspondence. Speak up for yourself. You have words and
anonymity to deploy: justify yourself? Why did you submit this (gag) "prose
poem" to
Eyeshot?>>
That would
be nice ... did I explain enough for publication? Well, I hope this
whole thing isn't too long.
P. S. - where
the heck did you find out about me? Especially as a student at Arizona
State University. Did you check out bios of me around the web or
what? I'm impressed you went through the trouble.
Regards,
Carlton Mellick
III
Eraserhead
Press
http://eraserheadpress.cjb.net
EYESHOT'S
OCCASIONAL POETRY EDITOR'S FIRST RESPONSE
Dear Carlton,
Lee enjoyed
your response, but not me. I suppose I should introduce myself -- I am
eyeshot's new/occasional poetry editor. I have worked in publishing (the
real stuff, ie, books) for more than two years, and I am also a poet. And
did I mention a woman?
Lee forwarded
me your submission and, after reading the title, I was intrigued. Unfortunately,
he replied to you before I could add my comments. So here they are. I found
your submission to be exactly the opposite of what you say below.
It was
1) negative
to women
2) an attack
(on good poetry everywhere)
3) cliched
and entirely unoriginal
If you don't
mind, I would like to discuss the trite nature of your subject matter,
your misogynistic tone, and your narrow-minded, ignorant empathies of both
the male and female psyches. (I was just telling Lee earlier that I
am prone to
irrational irate moments -- when someone in a car yells a profanity at
me as I walk home from work. Or when I am groped in a club. Or when I am
afraid of walking home after the sun has gone down. Or when I hear horror
stories and I pray to god that nothing like that will ever happen again.
And it does. Irrationality -- you've been warned.)
I suggested
to Lee that we agree to publish your poem only after you volunteered your
time in a women's crisis center. Of course, the joke is that they would
never let you inside the gates. Why?
Well, women
are foreign to you. Different. Unknown. Sometimes good-looking. Sometimes
nice smelling. Even hot. Sexy. They're always naked under those clothes.
They have breasts. And asses. And those great tools, vaginas. They suck
dick. Some have great wet, soft mouths. Some have hard little bodies.
Is that the
way you like to think about women? Is that the way you -- and, according
to you, the rest of the male gender -- think of us? We exist for your fantasies?
Well, that's
why women in many parts of the world do not feel safe, comfortable, or
equal. Notice that my above description neglected to mention anything regarding
emotions, intellect, empathy, or any other aspects that make us humans
and not 'things' or 'commodities'. This may be my own opinion, but I am
so fucking sick and tired of the "Strippers are Cool and Strip Because
They Want To" mentality. Your notions of sexual fantasy and masturbation
ritual convey an incredible immaturity of something that can be a fulfilling
and sincere experience -- sex. In fact, 'immature' is probably the best
word I can muster to describe both your submission and your response above.
Perhaps immaturity is to blame for cat calls, groping, harassment, and
treatment of women around the globe. It's kinder than the alternatives:
stupidity and ignorance.
Let's turn
those tables. Imagine you, yourself, Carlton Mellick the Fuckin' Third
walking home late on a dry Arizona night. You hear a strange noise in the
alleyway behind those shops. Suddenly before you know it, a thick arm is
around your neck and you can't breathe. You're being dragged into the shadow
behind some garbage cans. Then, before you know it, you're getting ganged
banged up the fucking ass for five hours by twenty hard-bodied, huge guys.
There that's
my fantasy.
(Oh, I hope
you don't take it negatively.)
But you were
right about one thing: you should spend more time on your writing. Try
again in a year or two.
With kind regards
and hot sex,
Katrina
HIS REPLY
Dear nice Katrina,
Sorry, I just
have to respond. First, you are very emotional about this subject
and are jumping to huge conclusions. Emotions of this strength are
what cause your "irrational" (as you noted), behavior. So in knowing
this, I will try not to trigger something deep inside of you which is the
cause of these emotions.
Anyway, in
response
1) negative
to women
No, not intentionally.
You let it upset you. It is (to me) negative to the type of men you
dislike, it is negative toward that attitude the immature/sexist male has.
2) an attack
(on good poetry everywhere)
As I said,
I do not attack. As far as the "on good poetry" comment, I respect
your opinion. But I got a feeling you are letting your emotions say that.
3) cliched
and entirely unoriginal
You need to
back this up. Then I might agree. It is meant to be slightly cliched
to add to the absurd style, but again I think it is just your emotions
trying to tear it down.
You wrote:
<< Well, women are foreign to you. Different. Unknown. Sometimes
good-looking. Sometimes nice smelling. Even hot. Sexy. They're always naked
under those clothes. They have breasts. And asses. And those great tools,
vaginas. They suck dick. Some have great wet, soft mouths. Some have hard
little bodies. Is that the way you like to think about women? Is that the
way you--and, according to you, the rest of the male gender--think of us?
We exist for your fantasies?>>
I'm sorry you
feel this way. I think you're jumping to conlusions. I am writing
from a neutral point of view and don't agree with the attitude described
above. However, it is the attitude of my poem ... that is the way a sexist
man would think. Not ALL men, but the type of man you describe in
these comments:
You wrote:
<<Well, that's why women in many parts of the world do not feel safe,
comfortable, or equal. Notice that my above description neglected to mention
anything regarding emotions, intellect, empathy, or any other aspects that
make us humans and not 'things' or 'commodities'. >>
Please don't
relate me to these people. Remember, I am not trying to attack women.
Also, I never
said strippers are cool. I never go to strip bars. But yes
I've known girls who like to strip, not just because of the money.
You wrote:
<< Your notions of sexual fantasy and
masturbation
ritual convey an incredible immaturity of something that can be a
fulfilling and sincere experience--sex.>>
When I described
my possible collection of masturbation fantasies, it involves the teenage
male's absurd way of thinking. Is it immature? It's just as
immature as sex. An open-minded person would find it interesting
to explore the psyche of males hormone-crazy fantasies ... you mention
"real" sex ... big deal. It is better, of course, but fantasies are much
more intense and interesting because it is all in the mind. And I
can't think of too many authors who have explored this fully.
You wrote:
<< In fact, 'immature' is probably the best word I can muster up
to describe both your submission and your response below. Perhaps
immaturity is to blame for cat calls, groping, harassment, and treatment
of women around the globe. It's kinder than the alternatives: stupidity
and ignorance.>>
Immaturity
is exactly my point. By finding the words of my poem immature, you
are exactly correct. I am trying to express the thoughts of the immature,
stupid, ignorant "stereotypical" male. It is a poem of the absurd,
which means it is exactly the opposite. You have to be a little more open-minded
and not jump to conclusions. Do you seriously believe I think a slutty
president is really cool? Come, come now. I am not a pig, I
am not a
sports-crazed,
beer-guzzling, truck-driving dude who thinks I'm better than all women.
I am the complete opposite and do not have the same mindset as the above
described walkin-talkin stereotypes.
You wrote:
<<Let's turn those tables. Imagine you, yourself, Carlton Mellick
the Fuckin' Third walking home late on a dry Arizona night. You hear a
strange noise in the alleyway behind those shops. Suddenly before you know
it, a thick arm is around your neck and you can't breathe. You're
being dragged into the shadow behind some garbage cans. Then, before you
know it, you're getting ganged banged up the fucking ass for five hours
by twenty hard-bodied, huge guys. There that's my fantasy.
>>
Of course I
wouldn't ... and it is quite cruel for you to wish that on me, because
I would not wish that on you. Actually, I think it is just your emotions
making you quick to pull the trigger. Taking offense to something
(anything) is my definition of immaturity. It closes your mind.
It causes you to think irrationally as you said. Do you believe irrational
behavior a good thing?
I'm sorry,
I don't protest against anyone (especially you) concerning this matter.
I do, however, protest against the behavior of the men who feel this way
and the women who are quick to scream "sexist!"
I believe the
majority of people are immature. You were a book editor, you should
know. How come the commercial books are usually the worst ones?
How come Hollywood films are usually weaker than independent films?
It's because the majority of people like things simple and mindless.
You wrote:
<<But you were right about one thing: you should spend more time
on your writing. Try again in a year or two.>>
But remember
you have only read one poem and have already marked me for a guy who is
not capable
of writing
anything good ... if I ever submit again, you will not read it unbiased.
Unless you are more open-minded than within this response.
Okay, sorry
for making this sound like a harsh argument. It's not meant to be.
I'm trying to explain that you labeled the author (me) as the narrator.
This is a no-no for an editor. It's like telling an author of a first-person
serial killer novel that s/he is sick and needs to be locked away.
Well, thanks
for taking the time to write your message. I hope you see my reason
a little clearer now. I REALLY hope you read through this completely
without skimming, as I feel you did with my last response. If there
is anything else you think I am ill-informed about let me know.
Also, I guess
you don't want to publish my poem ... but if you do, I still would like
it to appear in Eyeshot!. I'm sure I can sell it to other great markets,
but this one just touched my heart. I'd much rather have it appear
there. Please let me know.
God bless,
Carlton Mellick
(the fucking, as you say) III
Don't let yourself
get irrational, you will only get upset ... nothing can affect you :)
Weeks Later . . .
Eyeshot wrote:
Hey Carlton Mellick (fucking) III:
All things happen slowly sometimes . . . hope all is well. Your (gag) prose
poem is online. I included our correspondence beneath the poem and
think it's a much more enjoyable (or at least original) read than the poem
itself -- also there are a few links to your site within the body of the
correspondence for clarification and to boost your exposure. Tell me what
you think . . . Also, I've done some design overhauling, so check it out
. . . .
http://www.eyeshot.net/frame_rejection.html
Lee
To which Carlton Mellick replied:
Thanks, Lee! Great idea publishing
the whole correspondence instead of just the poem. I especially like the
mutated version of my face. Ha! I look like a troll!
I think I'm going to use it as a picture for my mock ambient noise band
called Trolltar, which is me dressed up like a troll and playing cheesy/spooky
keyboard music... I'll be doing the soundtrack to an independent horror
film called "Demonzoids of the Post-Apocalypse" as Trolltar soon, done
for next year's Tromaville's film festival.
Anyway, hope some readers find it
interesting. This has been the most enjoyable (and most interesting)
rejection I've ever experienced. I only regret being so unprofessional
about the whole thing. Katrina seemed really passionate about the
issue, which interested me. Anyone with passion is interesting.
Also: your site looks great. Very
new and unique.
Keep it up!
Hope you had a great 4th.
Regards,
Carlton Mellick III
Eraserhead
Press
