*
THE REJECTION OF CARLTON MELLICK III'S
"MRS. PRESIDENT"
To: submit@eyeshot.net
From: Mellick1@aol.com
Subject: submission -- mrs. president
Received: 4/19/00 2:57 AM

Hello,

I am submitting my prose-poem, "Mrs. President," within the body of this message.  Please consider it for Eyeshot!

Bio: Carlton Mellick III runs Eraserhead Press, which publishes zines and chapbooks of surrealism, absurdism, and magic realism.  He has written 4 novels and has sold work to over thirty markets such as Winedark Sea, Driver's Side Airbag, The Dream Zone, Xero, The Vestal Review, and Redsine.

Regards,
Carlton Mellick III
Eraserhead Press
 


MRS. PRESIDENT
by Carlton Mellick III
175 words
* = italics
 

She was a sexy president and everyone thought so.  And everyone knew she was addicted to sex.

She would throw wild orgies in the oval office (which she referred to as the *oral* office, which was a lame joke but all the men laughed at it anyway) and sometimes while addressing congress she would spreadeagle and let all the senators gang-bang her live on television.  She was on the cover of *Playboy*.  She legalized prostitution, statutory rape (depending on the circumstances), and same-sex marriages, as well as enforcing safe sex by putting free condom dispensers on every corner.  And to stop teen pregnancy, she made it mandatory for girls under 18 to get an abortion. Pro-life protesters threw a fit, but they always do. They have fun doing it too. A protest is great tool for meeting people. Nobody really knows how she got to become president, but I bet she slept her way to the top. And I bet she had fun doing it too. 

A vagina is great tool for meeting people.


EYESHOT'S FIRST RESPONSE

Greetings Mr Mellick,

A vagina is a great tool for meeting people, I agree. My attempts to get into vaginas have led to many long-lasting friendships. Most of the hosts of these targeted vaginas, however, would like maybe miss the satirical value of the (gag) "prose poem" you submitted. I forwarded your work to a couple of my friends (all gash) and they were unanimously in favor of taking the rejection into their own hands. You're a student at Arizona State, they might find you . . . luckily the majority of those who read "Mrs. President"  were not shocked enough to really give a shit. The (gag) "prose poem" fails even as something that incites PC-induced automatic attacks. (But hey, one of them at least thought you were pretty cute . . . ) 

You champion bizarre lit but it seems you spend way too much time securing bullshit Geocities sites to post zines that aren't even online than actually trying to write something interesting . . . What the fuck were you thinking  when you wrote, let alone submitted, this (gag) "prose poem"? Is it really a poem? Are you trying to dig a foundation of bullshit so once you graduate you can raise a spectacularly turd-filled silo? I'm just provoking you . . .  I too am Nazi and Jew

I'd like to post this poem . . . but first you must engage in a duel of correspondence. Speak up for yourself. You have words and anonymity to deploy: justify yourself. Why did you submit this (gag) "prose poem" to Eyeshot?

Again, I'll probably post the poem, depending on how well you consider your responses, depending on how much life you've got left in you . . .

Lee Klein
Eyeshot.net


HIS FIRST REBUTTAL

Lee,

Well,  thanks for writing a detailed message.  Thanks for sending the story around and checking out my website and responding in length. I want to mention it is not an "attack" on anyone or even just sexist humor.  And it is not meant to be shock lit, even though most people say I write a lot of shock lit. I never shock for shock's sake.  Most people are not shocked by anything anyway.

You wrote: << You champion bizarre lit but it seems you spend way too much time securing  bullshit Geocities sites to post zines that aren't even online than actually  trying to write something interesting . . . >> 

Hey, are you talking about "The Dream People?"  Haha, well you have your opinions.  Negative, negative. Actually, you are right I should spend more time on writing. That is why I have a staff of editors taking over, such as John Vandermeer from Ministry of Whimsy Press.  Read the current issue or especially the next issue of the zine before judging.  One story I published was included in the Best of the Web Anthology (most of the other stories published were from pro-paying webzines),  another story was recommended for a Bram Stoker award.  Look at me, I'm defending myself.  defending and defending.  What's wrong with me?

You wrote: <<What the fuck were you thinking
 when you wrote, let alone submitted, this (gag) "prose poem"?>>

What I was thinking:  well, it isn't meant to be negative to women.  And nobody should take it negatively. If you process information negatively it will affect you negatively.

This is meant to be totally absurd.  It is actually commenting on how sex is always on the male mind and this is the cliched male's perception of a "fantasy president". I have been fooling around with the idea of writing a collection called "Masturbation Fantasy," which would be a series of comments from horny teenage boys concerning such things as a female president or a female pope or all-nude girl schools, plus other absurd and impossible things ... including trekkies and their klingon women dreams, D&D kids with their wizard women, goths with their vampire fantasies. It would explore other social absurdities as well.  The possibilities are endless.  Women who cry "sexist" would call men's personal fantasies sexist.  But maybe men really are sexist because they fantasize about such things.  Who doesn't want three beautiful sex slaves if they were socially acceptable?  If that was put in a movie, it would disgust women, or if it was an act in a strip club... all sexist and degrading. So what's the difference between a strip club and a masturbation fantasy? Both exploit women for the same reason (well, I guess a fantasy can't give you a lap dance, but if you are just watching ...).

Strippers choose their job and men choose their fantasies, so nobody is the victim of this.

The last line is a tad sexist though. Not to women, but to men. It is supposed to be written from a general male's point of view, so calling a vagina a "tool" is just criticism of the stereotypical male attitude.

But I can see both sides on this.  Both men and women are to blame.  Men are easily blamed, because of the way they think.  And women are to blame because they are offended by it, and letting something offend you is a weakness on your part.  When somebody offends you, it is not the offender who hurts you, it is yourself.  As I said above:  If you process information negatively it will affect you negatively.

I hope that is enough defense.  I'm sure I could go on.
 

You wrote: << Is it really a poem?>> 

Yes.  It's not verse, of course, but I'd call it a poem.  It's not short-short prose, because there is no beginning, middle, and end.   believe it is safe to say poetry does not have rules.

You wrote: <<Are you trying to dig a foundation of bullshit so once you graduate you can raise a spectucularly turd-filled silo? I'm just provoking you . . .>>

Ha ... thanks.  I don't think bullshit, but I like the turd-filled silo.

You wrote:  << I too am Nazi and Jew >>

Really?  Wow, I have never met anyone else.  I'm not sure if my great grandparents were killed in the holocaust - my grandfather was adopted into an Irish family - Mellick -  but I know some of my family on my mom's side were nazis, one of them was a duke in Germany.

You wrote: << I'd like to post this poem . . . but first you must engage in a duel of  correspondence. Speak up for yourself. You have words and anonymity to deploy: justify yourself? Why did you submit this (gag) "prose poem" to
 Eyeshot?>>

That would be nice ... did I explain enough for publication?  Well, I hope this whole thing isn't too long.

P. S. - where the heck did you find out about me?  Especially as a student at Arizona State University.  Did you check out bios of me around the web or what?   I'm impressed you went through the trouble.
 

Regards,
Carlton Mellick III
Eraserhead Press
http://eraserheadpress.cjb.net


EYESHOT'S OCCASIONAL POETRY EDITOR'S FIRST RESPONSE

Dear Carlton,

Lee enjoyed your response, but not me. I suppose I should introduce myself -- I am eyeshot's new/occasional poetry editor. I have worked in publishing (the real stuff, ie, books) for more than two years, and I am also a poet. And did I mention a woman?

Lee forwarded me your submission and, after reading the title, I was intrigued. Unfortunately, he replied to you before I could add my comments. So here they are. I found your submission to be exactly the opposite of what you say below.

It was

1) negative to women
2) an attack (on good poetry everywhere)
3) cliched and entirely unoriginal

If you don't mind, I would like to discuss the trite nature of your subject matter, your misogynistic tone, and your narrow-minded, ignorant empathies of both the male and female psyches. (I was just telling Lee earlier that I
am prone to irrational irate moments -- when someone in a car yells a profanity at me as I walk home from work. Or when I am groped in a club. Or when I am afraid of walking home after the sun has gone down. Or when I hear horror stories and I pray to god that nothing like that will ever happen again. And it does. Irrationality -- you've been warned.)

I suggested to Lee that we agree to publish your poem only after you volunteered your time in a women's crisis center. Of course, the joke is that they would never let you inside the gates. Why?

Well, women are foreign to you. Different. Unknown. Sometimes good-looking. Sometimes nice smelling. Even hot. Sexy. They're always naked under those clothes. They have breasts. And asses. And those great tools, vaginas. They suck dick. Some have great wet, soft mouths. Some have hard little bodies.

Is that the way you like to think about women? Is that the way you -- and, according to you, the rest of the male gender -- think of us? We exist for your fantasies?

Well, that's why women in many parts of the world do not feel safe, comfortable, or equal. Notice that my above description neglected to mention anything regarding emotions, intellect, empathy, or any other aspects that make us humans and not 'things' or 'commodities'. This may be my own opinion, but I am so fucking sick and tired of the "Strippers are Cool and Strip Because They Want To" mentality. Your notions of sexual fantasy and masturbation ritual convey an incredible immaturity of something that can be a fulfilling and sincere experience -- sex. In fact, 'immature' is probably the best word I can muster to describe both your submission and your response above. Perhaps immaturity is to blame for cat calls, groping, harassment, and treatment of women around the globe. It's kinder than the alternatives: stupidity and ignorance.

Let's turn those tables. Imagine you, yourself, Carlton Mellick the Fuckin' Third walking home late on a dry Arizona night. You hear a strange noise in the alleyway behind those shops. Suddenly before you know it, a thick arm is around your neck and you can't breathe. You're being dragged into the shadow behind some garbage cans. Then, before you know it, you're getting ganged banged up the fucking ass for five hours by twenty hard-bodied, huge guys.

There that's my fantasy.

(Oh, I hope you don't take it negatively.)

But you were right about one thing: you should spend more time on your writing. Try again in a year or two.

With kind regards and hot sex,
Katrina 


HIS REPLY

Dear nice Katrina,

Sorry, I just have to respond.  First, you are very emotional about this subject and are jumping to huge conclusions.  Emotions of this strength are what cause your "irrational" (as you noted), behavior.  So in knowing this, I will try not to trigger something deep inside of you which is the cause of these emotions.

Anyway, in response

1) negative to women

No, not intentionally. You let it upset you.  It is (to me) negative to the type of men you dislike, it is negative toward that attitude the immature/sexist male has.

2) an attack (on good poetry everywhere)

As I said, I do not attack.  As far as the "on good poetry" comment, I respect your opinion. But I got a feeling you are letting your emotions say that.

3) cliched and entirely unoriginal

You need to back this up. Then I might agree.  It is meant to be slightly cliched to add to the absurd style, but again I think it is just your emotions trying to tear it down.

You wrote: << Well, women are foreign to you. Different. Unknown. Sometimes good-looking. Sometimes nice smelling. Even hot. Sexy. They're always naked under those clothes. They have breasts. And asses. And those great tools, vaginas. They suck dick. Some have great wet, soft mouths. Some have hard little bodies. Is that the way you like to think about women? Is that the way you--and, according to you, the rest of the male gender--think of us? We exist for your fantasies?>>

I'm sorry you feel this way.  I think you're jumping to conlusions.  I am writing from a neutral point of view and don't agree with the attitude described above. However, it is the attitude of my poem ... that is the way a sexist man would think.  Not ALL men, but the type of man you describe in these comments:

You wrote: <<Well, that's why women in many parts of the world do not feel safe,  comfortable, or equal. Notice that my above description neglected to mention  anything regarding emotions, intellect, empathy, or any other aspects that  make us humans and not 'things' or 'commodities'. >>

Please don't relate me to these people.  Remember, I am not trying to attack women.

Also, I never said strippers are cool.  I never go to strip bars.  But yes I've known girls who like to strip, not just because of the money.

You wrote: << Your notions of sexual fantasy and 
 masturbation ritual convey an incredible immaturity of something that can be  a fulfilling and sincere experience--sex.>>

When I described my possible collection of masturbation fantasies, it involves the teenage male's absurd way of thinking.  Is it immature?  It's just as immature as sex.  An open-minded person would find it interesting to explore the psyche of males hormone-crazy fantasies ... you mention "real" sex ... big deal. It is better, of course, but fantasies are much more intense and interesting because it is all in the mind.  And I can't think of too many authors who have explored this fully. 

You wrote: << In fact, 'immature' is probably the best word I can muster up to describe both your submission and your  response below. Perhaps immaturity is to blame for cat calls, groping, harassment, and treatment of women around the globe. It's kinder than the  alternatives: stupidity and ignorance.>>

Immaturity is exactly my point.  By finding the words of my poem immature, you are exactly correct.  I am trying to express the thoughts of the immature, stupid, ignorant "stereotypical" male.  It is a poem of the absurd, which means it is exactly the opposite. You have to be a little more open-minded and not jump to conclusions.  Do you seriously believe I think a slutty president is really cool?  Come, come now.  I am not a pig, I am not a
sports-crazed, beer-guzzling, truck-driving dude who thinks I'm better than all women.  I am the complete opposite and do not have the same mindset as the above described walkin-talkin stereotypes.

You wrote: <<Let's turn those tables. Imagine you, yourself, Carlton Mellick the Fuckin' Third walking home late on a dry Arizona night. You hear a strange noise in the alleyway behind those shops. Suddenly before you know it, a thick arm is  around your neck and you can't breathe. You're being dragged into the shadow behind some garbage cans. Then, before you know it, you're getting ganged banged up the fucking ass for five hours by twenty hard-bodied, huge guys. There that's my fantasy.
>>

Of course I wouldn't ... and it is quite cruel for you to wish that on me, because I would not wish that on you.  Actually, I think it is just your emotions making you quick to pull the trigger.  Taking offense to something (anything) is my definition of immaturity.  It closes your mind.  It causes you to think irrationally as you said.  Do you believe irrational behavior a good thing?

I'm sorry, I don't protest against anyone (especially you) concerning this matter.  I do, however, protest against the behavior of the men who feel this way and the women  who are quick to scream "sexist!"

I believe the majority of people are immature.  You were a book editor, you should know.  How come the commercial books are usually the worst ones?  How come Hollywood films are usually weaker than independent films?  It's because the majority of people like things simple and mindless.

You wrote: <<But you were right about one thing: you should spend more time on your  writing. Try again in a year or two.>> 

But remember you have only read one poem and have already marked me for a guy who is not capable
of writing anything good ... if I ever submit again, you will not read it unbiased.  Unless you are more open-minded than within this response.

Okay, sorry for making this sound like a harsh argument.  It's not meant to be. I'm trying to explain that you labeled the author (me) as the narrator. This is a no-no for an editor.  It's like telling an author of a first-person serial killer novel that s/he is sick and needs to be locked away. 

Well, thanks for taking the time to write your message.  I hope you see my reason a little clearer now.  I REALLY hope you read through this completely without skimming, as I feel you did with my last response.  If there is anything else you think I am ill-informed about let me know.

Also, I guess you don't want to publish my poem ... but if you do, I still would like it to appear in Eyeshot!.  I'm sure I can sell it to other great markets, but this one just touched my heart.  I'd much rather have it appear there.  Please let me know.

God bless,
Carlton Mellick (the fucking, as you say) III

Don't let yourself get irrational, you will only get upset ... nothing can affect you :)


Weeks Later . . . 

Eyeshot wrote: 

Hey Carlton Mellick (fucking) III:  All things happen slowly sometimes . . . hope all is well. Your (gag) prose poem is online.  I included our correspondence beneath the poem and think it's a much more enjoyable (or at least original) read than the poem itself -- also there are a few links to your site within the body of the correspondence for clarification and to boost your exposure. Tell me what you think . . . Also, I've done some design overhauling, so check it out . . . .
http://www.eyeshot.net/frame_rejection.html

Lee
 

To which Carlton Mellick replied: 

Thanks, Lee!  Great idea publishing the whole correspondence instead of just the poem. I especially like the mutated version of my face.  Ha!  I look like a troll!  I think I'm going to use it as a picture for my mock ambient noise band called Trolltar, which is me dressed up like a troll and playing cheesy/spooky keyboard music... I'll be doing the soundtrack to an independent horror film called "Demonzoids of the Post-Apocalypse" as Trolltar soon, done for next year's Tromaville's film festival. 

Anyway, hope some readers find it interesting.  This has been the most enjoyable (and most interesting) rejection I've ever experienced.  I only regret being so unprofessional about the whole thing.  Katrina seemed really passionate about the issue, which interested me.  Anyone with passion is interesting. 

Also: your site looks great. Very new and unique. 
Keep it up!

Hope you had a great 4th. 

Regards,
Carlton Mellick III
Eraserhead Press