Hi - we don't do dental, or -- if you check out the archive -- we don't do dialogue that much either . . . thanks for sending it and good luck.
Hi - this is like a joke fable that blurred my attention after five
Just because you have Word on your computer doesn't mean you can just
I am sorry to take so long and then even more sorry to pass on this
Okay. I read it again, closely and slowly, knowing what you told me
Hi - thanks for sending something again after all these years we were sort of in a semi-sleeping website silence while at the midwestern gradual school. I really like the attention you give to the old-timey language - was sort of amazed at how consistently you found the right sort of faux-french adjectives - but I guess for the site I'd maybe like for something like this to be a bit more explicitly profane and paced a bit quicker? Thanks for sending something again, though, and definitely try with other things whenever.
Hi - this one won't really work for the olde Eyeshot - it's clear,
I think the thing is to compare what you write to things that you like
My daily tarot e-mail just said this, "The Knave of Pentacles card suggests
At first I thought you took some pages from a Frank McCourt memoir,
Hi - thanks for sending something - my question for you, I guess, would be why bother? what's the point? is orgasming in someone's mouth enough? what else is there to this? could there be more? can the simple little sensationalist thing of the word orgasm suffice to make anyone wanna post this or read it and then walk away thinking what? The world is not a very beautiful place - well, the natural world is beautiful, but I mean the world we've made isn't always so hot, lots of sorrow and ugliness and self-induced disease and evil ideation, so maybe it's one's duty not to add to all that crap, to make things more beautiful, and by "beautiful" I think I mean elegantly complicated, ecstatic, open, elusive, varied, alive but also caught in amber . . .
There should probably be more scene, with description intergrated into
it. Your description is fine, but there's too much too early and the girl
you're describing isn't moving - she's just being drawn but not really
coming to life, got me? And then you only sort of hint at scenes that don't
really exist in particular, described worlds? So I had trouble seeing it.
It felt real, though, which is great. But I think you might want to consider
trying to up the narrative oomph, meaning tell a
Hi - thanks for the kind words - i read missed connections on craigslist
Hey - when i taught creative writing i had a rule that kids couldn't write about sex, drugs, rock and roll, murder, death, or perversion. I said this because if i didn't everyone would write about drugs and drink and death. There's everything else to write about! I think you write relatively well about drugs and friendship and all, but also maybe stylistically what I was sensing was that I couldn't really see or smell or sense these kids, and that's what's really important - also the language seemed sort of totally anonymous, which actually serves you well but maybe isn't exactly what I'm looking for? Anyway - thanks for sending this and good luck with it and send something else whenever.
Thanks for sending this and sorry for the slowish reply. I've been reading
Your sister is totally smokin'. Your story's first paragraph is good, and so is your language, the rhythm, the aerodynamics of it. After the first paragraph or so, though, this one needs to take off, to keep moving, think of a rocket going into space, this one takes off and then floats instead of intermittently being boosted by another blast of unexpected awesomeness. I thought I'd accept this after the first paragraph, and this thought coming after rejecting a few dozen in a row that really have my writerly spirit sinking, and so I was psyched at first but then feel like you can put more effort into this one or can send me something else now or later or whenever, but in general I like your sister, thanks for sending the picture, though maybe she's got an unfortunate nostril issue, and I like your prose, its urgency, its reality, I guess. So send more stuff!
Hematite? I had to look that word up. Thanks for sending this. It's clear but maybe too spare for what I tend to like to post. Have you ever read A Sport and a Pastime? Damn that's some good erotic writing . . . Thanks for sending this and sorry and send more whenever, maybe a bit shorter?
YOU ARE SO ENTHUSIASTICALLY ALL OVER THE PLACE! WHICH IS A GOOD THING! WE LIKE ENTHUSIASM AND ENERGY! I WOULD SURELY LIKE TO DRINK ESPRESSO WITH YOU AND RUN AROUND AND CHAT AND THEN HAVE ACROBATICSPORTSEX. BUT WHEN IT COMES TO READING WHAT YOU'VE WRITTEN IT'S LIKE TOO MUCH Y'KNOW LIKE TOO MUCH ENERGY AND ALL OVER THE PLACENESS AND SPORTSEX WHEN WHAT WE THINK WE REALLY LIKE TO SEE IS MORE CONTROLLED ENERGY NOT MANIA BUT SOMETHING MORE LIKE DIRECTED FOCUSED EFFUSIONS OF FORWARDLY PROPELLED PROSE IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN AND MAYBE SOME LIGHT PETTING AND SLOW CARESSES UNDER A WARM COMFORTER ON A COOL EARLY AUTUMN RAINY MORNING IF YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
There's something about your language that seems really young, an innocence to it. What you sent isn't really a story. It's a handful of sentences sort of about a dog, like you maybe read some Lydia Davis and then saw a dog and started writing? Maybe I'd suggest to really only bother writing something that seems necessary to write, not to screw around with anything other than what must be written, and also while writing keep in mind that you're trying to affect someone you've never seen, either make them laugh or agitated or randy or sad? There's an innocent manneredness to what you sent that seems like a barrier between you and writing something good, or enjoying and gaining anything from the whole process of writing maybe? Write because you have something to say, is what I'm saying, and try to make it affect another person. But thanks for sending this and hope all's well!
Nice breast pic! But in the third sentence: "Sometimes he’d be stood there" . . . That ain't right! But thanks for the titty. And good luck!
Thanks for sending this but I gots to say sorry man 'cause this is maybe
Thanks for sending this and sorry for taking a month to look at it! We suck. I suck. You don't suck, but I'm gonna pass on this story because we don't do dental. Good luck getting it posted somewhere and thanks again for considering Eyeshot.
Thanks for submitting something - I tend to really have terrible trouble with things that start with people in bed sleeping etc, like Proust even, and I guess I'm not the biggest fan of stories featuring "the man". Granted, this is "unfinished" but still. Thanks again for submitting and sorry and better luck next time.
Thanks for sending something and sorry for letting the weekend pass
The bit about the vibrator enjoying cave exploration is pretty clever
Hi - thanks for sending something - this is pretty straightforwardly
My first impression this time was that the guy's name can't be Carver,
Hi - thanks for sending something - my first impression is that this
Hola - I like the way you write. The first part of this is mainly consciousness presentation stuff and then the second part is dramatized. At first I thought that maybe the first part didn't have quite enough glue to it, meaning my eyes weren't quite sticking maybe because there were some semi-whimsical moments with hermit crabs and filet mignon innuendo(?) and sexing up mermaids. I thought maybe the beginning could be shortened or streamlined a little for posting on the web? And then the story continued on and pretty much totally shifted from an engaging if not quite totally sticky representation of consciousness to dialogue that I wasn't totally interested in reading, so I skimmed to the end. The langauge is attentive and errorless and all, but I guess, right now reading this, I wasn't all that into the situation or the world those words expressed? Anyway. Thanks for sending something and good luck finding a home for it. The sensibility (mermaid sex, waiting on the beach for a raft, etc) matches eyeshot's historical tendencies, but maybe next time send something a little shorter and maybe a bit more balanced in terms of consciousness and dramatization? Or not. Thanks again and sorry.
Hi - I really liked when the lights went off and the cherry of the cigarette could be seen better. I think the whole thing might need to be like that, actually -- intensely focused images! -- otherwise, well, it's a story about a boy jacking off looking at some girl-next-door love forlorn, and while the language is serviceable it seems to me maybe not totally honed enough to pull this off, that is, to keep the "so what?" question from entering the reader's brain and getting all tangled up in evoked images. What else? I like the general instinct but maybe less so the ambition and oomph and so I think I'll pass on it and thank you for sending something and ask you to send something again some time and I'll also wish you well in a final sentence of considerable and-conjoined length and thank you again and apologize a first time for the same-day service of this potentially annoying, earnest response. Happy new year and remember it will soon be springtime.
Hi - thanks for sending something . . . Not sure what to say about the story. I liked the bit about taking sleeping pills to sleep in the sack with Grace. I was a little worried about the semi-demented repetition of her name to begin many sentences, when after the title I was pretty sure that the pronoun "she," if repeatedly used, might refer to this lady. A few typos, including one at the end of the first paragraph. Reminded me at times of some of Tao Lin's simplicities, but then words like televisually etc sort of undercut that. The return of the "poignant" tomato sauce thing at the end, hmm . . . So. Yeah. I guess I must thank you once again and apologize and thank you and apologize and hope that the swiftness of the response overcomes any annoyance. I'm an oft-rejected writer and absolutely freakin' abhore the form-letter received after six months, even though I receive them often. Good luck with everything and say hello to something in Cambridge for me, like the falafel at the Middle East?
Thanks for deciding to start writing and also thanks for sending this
Hi - thanks for sending something - I guess the first thing I can say is that it's too long for what I'd like to post now, and the second thing is that no matter the length I might not be all that psyched to post language like "He looked at the girl's breasts again. They were big and soft." I don't know what to do with that. I agree with the old adage that writing, somewhat, is about making the familiar seem miraculous and the miraculous seem familiar. I'm not quite sure what this story is doing, with this dude named "Hell". He doesn't feel real. And yet he doesn't feel totally unreal, either. It's like he's caught in this unreal reality that is right now comprised of what might be called "the stuff of storyworld". Granted, I didn't read all 17 pages, but the tone, the atmosphere, the sense of the language, that is, the things I really look for in any writing, right now seems a little underdone while maybe the characters and the story and its world are not quite focused and made material just yet? Anyway. Thanks for sending something. I really appreciate it. And hope this quick and honest response is somewhat helpful, even if you totally disagree. It'll at least give you something to think about. Keep at it. Sounds like ridiculous/lame advice, but it's really all that matters. Sitting thy ass down and making more of this stuff till you create real unrealities or something like that. Good luck --
Hi - thanks for sending this - I guess I like the instinct of the writing, appreciate the time you spent on it, and would like to encourage you to keep at. There's something good going on here, but I guess this one reader who just tried to look at it couldn't really get into it, in part b/c of the names, in part b/c of the situation. I guess it felt like a story, like you're entusiastic about the writing bits, the physical act of it, the form, but haven't yet totally harnassed the content yet? Who knows? Anyway. Good luck with it and hope you find a home for it soon.
Hello - thanks for sending something again - I like what you sent okay - I like the repetition and the self-awareness (passive-aggressive post passive phrases) and the writing colony stuff - it seems like a sort of exercise, maybe, sort of self-consciously so - I don't think I'll post it because maybe I'd like to post some things in this new late-to-mid-decade era that are maybe clearer and more flowing and entertaining, less elusive. It's real well written, 'cept for a minor typo midway, but I guess I'd like to post some things with maybe a bit more oomph? Anyway. Send more stuff whenever. And thanks again.
Hey there - thanks for sending this story and pic. I tend to post most of the pics, so forget about that. The story, I think I can say a few quick and hopefully helpful things about: the first would be the second tense thing, which immediately sort of distances things for this reader at least - the second tense tends to best be used for describing really traumatic events, i think, b/c then the distancing seems more like a psychological plausible tactic than simply a fictionalizing technique, like this is basically about "I", but if you say "you," it'll feel more fictional and less like a diary or blog. The second thing has to do with your instinct at this point, I think. And i write the following totally out of experience having written things like this when I was younger: of course it might be "total fiction" carefully crafted to seem like non-fiction, but still. I think you might want to always keep in mind why a reader who has possibly at one time before been 23 and out of college and facing life and maybe has some distance on such an era might want to read this presentation of the same thing, esp. when the actions or details here are sort of defused over time. For a story like this to engage me, at least, I think it'd need to be more focused in time, a pivotal moment, not a sort of continual recent past involving these semi-blandish occurences. I might have missed something exciting or engaging or peculiar, but I only did so b/c I skimmed after a while. Why? Because it's not focused in time and therefore there's more pressure for the prose to entertain or hold the reader's attention, and while the prose is fine, it's not tense enough or interesting enough really to activate this reader's interest in the situation, which isn't really much of a concentrated or dramatic one, right? So. With all that said, I'd maybe just think about considering the reader more and focusing things. Make a world come alive though precise sensory description. Make some people, other than some shadow self, come alive. But mainly always ask yourself how this story might possibly interest a psychologically and emotionally (semi-)mature reader. That's all for now. Good luck with everything.
This is like the sixth submission I've read in three days that has involved the dentist. Something is very wrong with the world if the world's writers think that writing about the dentist office is gonna turn readers on. There's an entire world out there, and yet writers write about the dentist office, as though there is no other event worth writing about. I need to update the submission guidelines posthaste! No dentist stories! Otherwise, you write very clearly, but also I think you might want to think about syntax, like starting sentences too often with "When," which creates a sort of predictable feeling in readers that can be underminded in fun ways like a joke setup, but otherwise if the second clause ain't unpredictable, eyes glaze. Anyway. Thanks again for the kind words and thanks for sending this - I hope you get it posted somewhere and I hope you one day try Eyeshot again with something about going to see The Hunger Artist.
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