The Zogby Poll? The Pew Research Center for People and the Press? We've been listening to these names for months now, and we've been nice enough not to sneer. But on election night it will be shockingly revealed that the names – and the poll results themselves – were invented by the good people at Hanna-Barberra. And you thought the last good thing they produced was The Jetsons.

Both Kerry and Bush will make last-minute appeals to their base.

In an effort to turn out a larger number of hardcore supporters in swing states, Bush will propose a constitutional amendment making the death penalty automatic in "cases where the perpetuator is guilty of what we call a late-term, partial-birth abortion, 'specially if the he's is a Muslim." Kerry, answering this bold move, will promise to raise taxes not only on those making more than $200,000 a year, but also "on people with two middle names, such as – say . . . – Herbert and Walker." Support for each candidate immediately drops among voters, who agree that the carbonated beverage "Yoo-hoo" really deserves to make a comeback.

During the CBS Evening News on November 2nd, Dan Rather will tear the latex mask from his canyon-ridden face and reveal himself to be Bill O'Reilly, at which point he will ask The Wildly Ignorant and Deceived American Public if it wants to have some therapeutic phone sex.

Aside from the obvious ghastliness of this event – the flat-out, post-Halloween, ghoul-within-a-ghoul creepiness of it – this will make clear to the nation that the claims made by Republicans that the major media outlets are dominated by left-leaning, New York-based, commie-pinko-Jew-gay one-world-government supporting Castro-ites are, well, not exactly true.

Ralph Nader will be exposed as an out-of-control egomaniac being used as a pathetically unwitting tool by precisely the moneyed, corporate interests he used to fight against so nobly.

Oops, sorry. That's not a prediction, as it's been obvious for years.

Colorado will pass an innovative ballot initiative.

Though the ballot initiative that would have allowed Colorado split its electoral votes between candidates will fail, a different initiative will win: Colorado will declare itself no longer either a "blue state" or a "red state" but, rather, a purple state. Shortly thereafter, Minnesota will follow suit and decide to split its vote between Vikings quarterback Daunte Culpepper and Prince.

Many legal challenges will be mounted.

The voting rolls in many Florida and Ohio precincts will be examined. Touch-screen voting machines will be challenged as unaccountable. Attorneys will swarm the polling places in central Pennsylvania, seeking disenfranchised Mennonites and or hot Amish babes who want to have sex with Harrison Ford. The courts, under great pressure not to seem arbitrary or partisan will decide many cases using "Rock, Paper, Scissors," causing Anne Coulter to declare on Hannity and Colmes that "Both Scissors and Paper are not to be trusted with America's security and are no better than Hillary in wanting to make passionate, groaning love to Saddam Hussein atop the suicide-bombered backs of our fallen American heroes."

Finally, Kerry will be declared the victor.

Kerry will win, but only after making a deal with the electorate to let Clinton "hang out" on Friday nights in the East Wing with his daughters. The country, thrilled to have Bubba back in town, will send the stock market skyrocketing, causing massive inflation. Everyone makes over $200,000 a year, and Kerry raises your taxes just like Bush said he would.