1:2 Camera pans along an empty beach at night, finds Jesus standing on a sand dune. He sheds His garments. A gentle breeze carries away His tunic. He runs naked into the calm surf. Slow, ominous music swells as Jesus swims into deeper water. Suddenly, something pulls Him beneath the surface. He reemerges, gasping for breath, only to be yanked down again. A great torrent of bubbles and blood is all that remains. The water stills. A severed foot bobs to the surface.
5:14 Jesus takes a beating from Apollo Creed.
7:3 In an animated sequence, Jesus enjoys slippery amusements on a waterslide. However, a mischievous mouse has replaced a portion of the slide with a giant cheese grater, which shreds the Body of Christ down to His spine before dumping Him into the Dead Sea. The mouse then retrieves the shavings of the Christ and serves them as communion wafers to Catholic orphans.
5:15 Jesus takes a beating from Clubber Lang.
12:12 Jesus sits down to take a crap, only to discover that His toilet is wired with explosives. In a brief cameo, Mel Gibson rushes in to save Him. Gibson, examining the ticking bomb, asks (in Latin): "Do I cut the red wire or the blue wire?" Jesus replies (in Aramaic): "Cut the blue one!" Gibson replies (in Latin): "Did you say the red one?" Cut to exterior of house engulfed in flames. Smoke clears to reveal Gibson kneeling beside Jesus, who is charred and writhing and screaming: "I can't feel my legs! I can't feel my fuckin' legs!" His legs are indeed missing, His torso ending in a smoldering pile of pulsating intestines. Gibson shouts: "Just hang on, buddy. We're gonna get you outta here."
5:17 Jesus takes a beating from both the Alien and the Predator.
10:7 Camera zooms in on Jesus on the cross. The sky behind Him darkens. The earth violently trembles. Roman soldiers flee in terror. The camera angle widens to reveal that the darkness is the shadow of a Tyrannosaurus Rex, the most ferocious of all dinosaurs. She sniffs at the men on the other two crosses, then lunges toward Jesus. She clamps her mighty jaws over the Messiah, uproots the cross, and thrashes it from side to side before gobbling it down. Cut to T-Rex interior shot: evoking Andres Serrano’s Piss Christ, Jesus remains fastened to the cross, now submerged in amber digestive acids.
10:9 Johnny Knoxville arrives at Golgotha, tells Jesus He’s just been punk’d.
12:24 Jesus wakes bound and ball-gagged in an S&M dungeon. A man identified as Zed the Philistine says (in Aramaic): “Better get the Gimp.”
Mr. Ausherman does this.
[Forever after at http://eyeshot.net/ausherchrist.html]
B R A V E S O U L S R E C E I V E
Archive of Recent Activities - Advice for Submittors
Enhanced Navigational Coherency - Long-Ass List of Contributors
Super Lo-Tech Slideshow - Four Years Ago, Maybe - Three Years Ago Today
Two Years Ago Today - Last Year Today