Is the Democratic party obsolete, out of touch, history, screwed? However unsuccessful the Democrats have been at selling "progressive" causes, they are even worse at being conservative (Joe Biden's hair-weave qualifying on both fronts). Despite this, I believe the time is ripe for rampant liberalism to sweep the cornfields of Nebraska and to smother the Rockies. I see a new era of tolerance in Mississippi and an age of giddy homosexuality in Maine. (It's exciting, isn't it?) So, what's the solution? Three simple steps.
Step One: Join the Republican Party!
It will start as a trickle, but by mid-term elections in 2006 fully 80% of Democrats will trade in their ass-ears for elephant's trunks. The press dubs it the "Zell Wing" of the GOP. Senate, House, governors -- the whole shooting match goes "red." (With a few strategic exceptions.) To make the death knell plain, they finally let Dean become the DNC chair.
Step Two: Let the Republicans
Whoo-hoo! It's Christmas morning in DC. With a sudden consensus for tax cuts, the axing of entitlement programs, and wild-eyed military interventions, there is considerable debate about which corporate benefit to enact first. The malls are selling "Dennis Hastert Baby Doll T's" like they were iPods. For the 100th time in their history, Time and Newsweek have the exact same cover: a grinning vice president wearing a "Cheney For Emperor!" button and shrugging. With the revolution over and its regime unchallenged, "The Rulers" (as they've come to fashion themselves) quickly lose perspective. No longer feeling the need to lie about the reasons behind their policy initiatives, Republicans start publicly touting anti-tax nutjob Grover Nordquist and neo-con warhawk Richard Perle as future presidential timber. Paul Wolfowitz goes on Meet the Press and confesses to Tim Russert, "It's a hell of a relief not to have to bullshit the whole country any more when all we really want to do is assassinate a foreign leader or, I don't know, clear out some of that New Deal brush." In final a coup de grace, John Kerry himself introduces legislation on the Senate floor to repeal the 22nd Amendment, making possible the future reelection of George W. Bush in 2008.
Step Three: Gotcha!
As most Americans with salaries of less than $800,000 start to realize that they have "elected a bunch of power-hungry creeps," dissension grows. But who is there to oppose the Bush-iacs? With the repeal of the 22nd Amendment tucked under his slimmed-down belt, Bill Clinton -- tan, cocky, and flanked by his good friends Barack Obama and Colin Powell -- appears on Fox and Friends to announce the formation of a new political party. "The Common Sense Party," Bubba says, "will be more than an alternative to the radicalism of the Republicans. It'll also be a whole lotta fun."
Obama smiles. Powell, eyes glinting with revenge, flashes a double thumbs-up. And Clinton -- recently divorced I might note -- stares straight through the lens of the camera into your bedroom and winks.
[Forever after at http://eyeshot.net/demolayman.html]
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pboz #5 is available for preorders! - hobart #4 is now available - boom #1 is available (and it's beautiful!)
david barringer's "terminally curious" - his "johnny red" - charles ullmann's strategies for modern living
randall devallance's dive - incidents of egotourism in the temporary world
kevin sampsell's beautiful blemish
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