BITTERSWEET GIFT
BY JOSH CAMPBELL
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One day a friendly kiss by a casual acquaintance ruined my life. A friend of a friend was giving me an innocent peck on the cheek as a greeting when she stopped dead and her eyes went wide. She quickly buried her head against my cheek and start licking. As I bashfully pushed away from her embrace she told me why she was acting so unusual. It would seem that I taste strongly of chocolate in the face region. While some people would think that this is a lovely trait to have, it eventually ruined my life. As word spread I was beset with women, many of them overweight, doing everything in their power to kiss my cheek or lick my neck. It really became an embarrassment. I took advantage of this situation briefly and lured hungry women into my bed and abused them in my own lecherous way. And then they abused me with their incessant sniffing, kissing, and licking. After a short time my story was picked up by the national press and I could go nowhere for fear of being attacked by ravenous women. And it seems that this unusual condition only attracted women because I never once had a man try to touch me. But the women came in droves. I was sent a certificate of congratulations from a chocolate company in Germany but I have no idea what that was about. I think they wanted me to be a spokesperson or something. I soon retreated from the world entirely and lived in a dingy apartment that rarely saw the light of day. I was afraid to go out and did not even own a telephone. During my years of seclusion I spent most of my time researching pheromones, sweat glands, perfumes, and colognes. But I never came any closer to a cure for my bizarre malady. I eventually made my way back into society and I was lucky enough to find that people had forgotten about me and my unusual condition. I eventually settled down with a girl who had no tastebuds and we started a happy little life together. This serenity was shattered with the birth of our first child, however. He smells strongly of vanilla and all the nurses at the hospital took turns kissing him. I have an uneasy feeling about the life my child will lead and a fear of reproduction in general. [Forever after at http://eyeshot.net/bittersweetgift.html]
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