"This is he."
"Yes, I am."
"Yes, he is."
"He went to school today.í
"He stayed home sick yesterday. Was sort of suspect but his attendanceís been good and he said he wouldnít be missing any exams or anything, so I didnít press the issue."
"Iím not following you."
"Sorry...Pam. Sorry, Pam, but why is the Principal calling about attendance?"
"Heís okay, yes?"
"Okay. Iím sensing some discomfort. Whatís the actual proble...whatís the ahhh, whatís the nature of the call?"
"Well, yes, Iím open to coming down, up actually, but I work from home so every hour Iím not working, Iím not billing. With all respect and everything, whatís the issue?"
"No, I never heard of him."
"Iíve never heard my wife mention him either. Iím pretty sure weíre not familiar with him. If heís a friend of Timís, weíre not aware of it."
"Custodian. Like the janitor, or is that some title given to a child protective person or something?"
"Slow how? Retarded?"
"Well, you know, kudos to you for your obvious commitment to diversity in your hiring practices, but Iíve got to tell you Pam, Iím getting really anxious about all this, can you sort of cut to the chase? Whatís up?"
"What is felching?"
"What the hell is this? This isnít the school!"
"Bullshit! Give me a break. No Principal would ever descrió."
"Okay. Look, Iíve got the number to the school here...on the walló458-8957óIím calling this number back and asking for you. If youíre the Principal of that school, youíll take the call. If you donít, I know youíre full of shit and donít call back or Iíll have the call traced and youíll be in deep shit. Good bye!"
"Hello. Is the Principalís name Pam Stanz?"
"Stents. May I speak with her, please?"
"Doug Tuttle. I was just speaking with her. Iím returning her call. She might be expecting me. To call."
"Oh, my lord."
"I actually thought I might be able to write this off as a prank. Son of a bitch."
"Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Okay, uhm Pam. Can you sort of take it from the top? Jesus, I knew this day was too sunny. Too good to fucking last. Sorry for my language. God, itís always something with that goddamn kid. Jesus."
"Hold on a minute, Iíve got to switch to the phone in the living room. Iíve got to sit down."
"Iím here. Letís have it."
"Sorryówhere was this supposed to have happened, allegedly, and... and, as you might guess, my next question is: ĎHow did the school let this happen? If it happened?"
"He turned himself in?"
"Who walked in on them?"
"I thought he was the janitor."
"Assistant Janitor. My son the underachiever. His tongue up the Assistant Custodianís ass. The brain damaged Assistant Custodian. Nice goal-setting, Tim. Sorry, I donít mean toó"
"Iím sorry, but Iím livid. Iím...Iím.... I canít feel my legs, you know? I canít see straight. I mean, Jesus."
"Why do you keep saying that like itís a medical term?"
"Iíve never ever ever heard of felching!"
"Never. I mean, I partied my ass off when I was youngóI was hell on wheels when I was a kid. I donít know where youíre from, Pam, but if youíre within three or four years of my age, and you grew up in the Bay area? Thereís a good chance we made out at one time or another. But Iíve never heard of Felching?"
"Would you be offended if I asked if youíre gay?"
"Itís none of my business butó"
"Well, given that insight, and I do appreciate your candor and your sexual situation is confidential with me and uh.., you know, but with all due respect, maybe itís more common in your circles than the oneís I run in, but I...I mean shit...I neveró.
"So heís gay? Heís gay? Thatís the issue? My son was caughtóby the real janitor no lessówith his lips on some Jr. Special Ed. janitorís ass? In the boiler room? Why are students allowed in the boiler room, Pam?
Why are students allowed in there?"
"Why are students allowed in the
"Jesus, Mary and Joleen."
"So, out of curiosity, being as heíll never tell me anythingóJesus, I canít even get him to tell me what movie heís going to seeóbut how was it established that he was felching it with this person, as opposed to just kissing his butt cheeks or, I donít know, checking him for Ďroids?"
"Squatting over him?"
"Who was squatting over who?"
"Whoís semen was it? I guess thatís a stupid question. Unless there was a third person, it was Timís. God, so there was obviously no condom used. Is that right? I mean, based on what you know about this practice, is it safe to assume they didnít masturbate into something else and then inject it oró."
"He said that?"
"May I ask what his exact words were?"
"I seduced him. I seduced him. Thatís outstanding, Tim. And ĎSeduced!í Always the infusion of drama. God, this kid. This fucking kid. Sorry."
"This is about revenge. This is about revenge, I swear to God. That kid will do anything. Goddamn. You try to set boundaries and be a good parent. Jesus. Did he seem at all concerned about his parentís reaction to this?"
"And so he said whatóĎI put my penis in his butt and then I put my semen in there and then he what? He squatted over me and I licked his butt?í"
"So, this Rusty, the janitor, is he like Mexican...or white or..?"
"I have no idea why I asked that or why I care."
"He is white?"
"Have you ever heard of anything like this in your life?"
"No, actually I meant in your school, Pam. With a student."
"Yah, experimental, Iíll say. Yes, heís an incredibly creative individual. Gifted my kid."
"Well, Jesus, if you can give me about forty five minutes to collect myself, I need a stiff drink. Sounds like Tim did too, eh? God, I canít even imagine. I canít. I just. Jesus."
"My head is spinning. Iím just jelly. Just sadness...and uh...and rage. He was in Scouts up until a year ago. God, if I ever find out thatís where he learned this!"
"And Iíll need to call my wife, and our lawyeróIím not trying to threaten you, but this guyís an adult."
"Yah, heís eighteen, but heís still a student."
"Of course itís illegal!"
"I beg to differ."
"I beg to differ."
"Iím not an attorney, but Iím sure itís illegal for a member of a public school faculty to felch my son."
"Well, even if heís not considered facultyó."
"I donít see how it matters who was the recipient and who was the...the ah..ah... who the giver was."
"Well, letís just let the legal...ah...professionals decide that."
"So is the act itself felching? Or was the guy felching him or..?
"óTim was felching! Of course, of course. So this guy...ahh...Rusty the gardener, heís mister innocent in all this? Heís the victim?"
"Suspension with pay? Thatís very appropriate. Yes, a complete investigation, of course. You could swab Timís tongue for DNA. Comb his goatee for pubes. Sorry. Sorry."
"Well, again, give me a few minutes to have a heart attack and get in touch with my wife. Hopefully sheís not in a meeting; I canít handle this one on my own. I handled the bedwetting on my own. I handled Mariah Carey on my own. He emulated Mariah Carey for about a year; posters everywhere. Found a wig and a pair of shoes my wife thought the housekeeper swiped. He let the housekeeper take the rap for it. Nice, uh? That was three years ago but a difficult period to handle on my own nonetheless."
"Yes, I imagine having the counselor on hand will be a comfort."
"I appreciate your compassion, and of course your...your discretion."
"Iíll see you as soon as I can make it up there. Try not to let him felch anyone before I get there."
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