RAPTURE PREPAREDNESS KIT

On May 21, 2011, something serious is gonna go down and you better be ready, dear reader. While you still have time to save yourself, we at Eyeshot have decided to forego our traditional literary programming in favor of offering all those who currently feel unprepared for JUDGMENT DAY to feel a little more secure thanks to the miracle of internet commerce. What will happen on May 21 is that we will be gathered together in the air to meet Jesus. What's cool about this is that when this happens you'll have nothing to worry about forever after. Soon enough, you'll be floating on a puffy white cloud of smoke exhaled by all your favorite rock stars, who will take the place of cherubs  (those little heavenly lutes they play will be replaced with Fender Strats, Gibson Les Pauls, and maybe even Flying Vs). You don't want to be left behind, but unless you order some of the stuff below, there's a very good chance you won't be prepared for the RAPTURE and JUDGMENT DAY and, well, you'll miss the big gig in the sky this summer. I mean, it'll be like All Tomorrow's Parties, but way better, since BACH and MOZART and COLTRANE and MINGUS and HENDRIX and COBAIN and SLASH and every one you can think of music genius-wise will be up there serenading you, except maybe some of those guys might actually not be there since they might not actually be in heaven. Didn't think of that. But, still, there must be some cool folks to meet up there and it'd suck, generally, not to be sucked into the sky leaving a long trail of light out of where you used to just have an underused loinal area and instead have to go to work and find out that some of your colleagues were better prepared for JUDGMENT DAY and so they got to miss work and go hang in the air with Christ and friends while you work on your spreadsheets or whatever it is you do all day -- probably waste a lot of time on Facebook liking friends's posts about how their preparedness will make it so they won't be left behind and have to experience hell on earth, which will pretty much be the same as it is now except without having to deal with all those righteous folks who were prepared, like us here at Eyeshot. Anyway. Here's some stuff you should have on hand before the RAPTURE on MAY 21, 2011.

 

One Dunlop Purple Guitar Pick -- $17
These picks are really important to have when you're in heaven lazing back on puffy clouds of weed smoke.

As Many Printouts as Possible of the Following Three Recent Rock Show Pics Printed Out in Black and White and Quickly Initialed by the Eyeshot Editor ($7 each)



Salem

Destroyer

Tame Impala

A Lightly Read Paperback Copy of B.S. Johnson's Christie Malty's Own Double-Entry, which was apparently one of David Foster Wallace's favorite novels and deals with accounting, so is therefore necessary for those who read The Pale King and also would like to be ready for the upcoming RAPTURE? ($47)

One of the few copies left of BLOODFIRE by the Eyeshot Editor ($12)

Also, for a mere $1200, we will send a personal e-mail to you on the day of the RAPTURE congratulating you on your preparedness and wishing you luck!

To purchase any of the above, Pay Pal the specified  amount to lee at eyeshot dot net.

Please note that the shipping of the items above, other than the personal e-mail of congratulation, may take 4 to 6 weeks to arrive.