Just thought we'd send along a link to our honeymoon photos.We had such an awesome time in Fiji. The beaches were gorgeous We just drank drinks with little umbrellas and laid out in the sun.

Thanks again, all of you, for coming to our wedding. You made our special day that much more special.

We love you all –

Sarah and Mike

To: Mike & Sarah
From: Clayton L.
Subject: RE: Honeymoon photos!

I had such a great time at your wedding. Really happy for the two of you. And your honeymoon photos are gorgeous. Fiji's beaches are absolutely beautiful. You both look so happy! 

Of course, now it all makes sense – instead of having an open bar at your reception, you greedily kept your pockets lined and then spent the money on an extravagant honeymoon. No doubt you ate out every night at four star restaurants and stayed at the finest resort on the island, while I had to keep forking over $6 for bottles of Budweiser, and, later in the night, $9 each for watered down Jack and Cokes. The nerve! The last thing we want to see are photos of the two of you hamming it up on the beach, in which, frankly, you both look about as natural as the Beach Boys on surf boards.

And Sarah, while it was cute the first time you forced the DJ to play to play Mike's favorite song -- Sarah, by The Starship -- by seizing the microphone and saying, "It's my wedding and you'll play what I want!", by the fourth time, everyone not only thought Mike must have really bad taste in music, but bad taste in women as well. 

Congratulations again!

Best,

Clay

To: Company All
From: Bob Smith
Subject: Wish you all well, and good luck!

Today is my last day here. I'm off to a new job and new adventures. Before I leave, I just wanted to say it was great working with all of you. I learned so much during my time here, and I have all of you to thank. Thanks so much. Keep going after it, and keep on winning, team!

Best regards,

Bob

To: Bob Smith
From: Clayton L.
Subject: RE: Wish you all well, and good luck!

Dear Bob,

Good luck with your new job. We're really going to miss you around here.

For example, I'm going to miss how after you worked out during your lunch hour, your BO stunk up the entire office. How you always came by my office asking, "Did I leave my coffee in here?", even though we hadn't spoken in days. How you always made comments about the hottie you saw while getting lunch, explaining to us in dramatic fashion how you stayed out of trouble by telling yourself: "Take it easy there Bob, you're married now." Sure Bob. You just keep on taking it easy. 

Sincerely,

Clayton L.

To: Paul C. Mailing List
From: Paul C.
Subject: My first novel!

Hey everyone,

Great news! I've got a book coming out, to be released next Monday, actually. 

As I am sure you know, it's really important for the book to come out of the box strong. Early sales are the key to success, so I'm hoping you will support my first literary effort by buying a copy of my book right now. 

The book is already posted at Amazon – I know because I check out my sales ranking every two minutes! 

I'll be going on a book tour next month, and I will be sending out the details shortly. Hopefully I will be coming to your city, and we can catch up then in person!

To: Paul C.
From: Clayton L.
Subject: RE: My first novel!

Congratulations on the book! Looking forward to checking it out!

What that means, of course, is that I will peruse it at my local bookstore, mainly out of disgusted curiosity. I will most definitely not be buying your crappy novel. My God, how I hated you in workshop. You acted like everyone else was just there to make your writing better. And Jesus, could you have gotten a clue? Your story, the one from the point of view of monkeys in cages at the zoo, fucking sucked. And you kept workshopping it over and over. I don't think I was the only one whose hatred for you grew each time you passed out that story.

I, too, will be checking out your Amazon sales ranking. I'm hoping it stays right where it is now – over the one million mark. Better news yet will be when I see your book on the 50% off table – a clear sign that your book is on its way to the great big publishing pulp machine in the sky and that your writing career will be permanently stalled by the slumped sales of your very first literary effort. 

Best,

Clayton 

To: Friends List
From: Rosanne
Subject: Rosanne Update!

A lot of you have been writing, asking me how I've been doing, and so I thought I'd send along a little update. First of all, I love New York. 

Second, I have a great new job in publishing. Not much money (yet!), but I get to go to all these really exciting literary parties. In fact, I met Gloria Steinem last night! She's amazing, and so beautiful! It was really inspiring. 

I'm meeting new people and just really living it up here in the big city!

My apartment is small – (true, New York style, not like Monica and Rachel's apartment on Friends!), but you can crash here anytime. So please consider a visit! 

Hope all is well and I look forward to hearing from you.

To: Rosanne
From: Clayton L.
Subject: RE: Rosanne Update!

Thanks for the update. Glad all is going well in your new city.

But I would like to point out that I didn't write to you – I don't care how you are doing, and quite frankly, I'm just glad that after we broke up, you left town. I really wish you had never written me again – I had this lovely image of you sitting in your small, rundown studio apartment, in your grandma underwear and ratty t-shirt, eating an entire jumbo-sized bag of Cheetos while watching your prized collection of Sex and the City DVDs. In fact, that's how I am always going to picture you, sitting in front of the television with sticky orange fingers and Cheeto debris in the corners of your mouth! 

Take care,

Clay