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From: Eyeshot's Hindenburg Complex
Sent: Monday, July 16, 2001 8:48 PM
Subject: Making Good On A Promise To ShareholdersEyeshot's shareholders have benefited tremendously from our recent performance, thanks in no small part to an exclusive, posted-just-this-minute interview with a professional autofellator (ie, self-sucker). The interview is entitled Interview With An Autofellator. Eyeshot has anticipated its arrival for months -- in fact, its uploading is responsible for this message: we wanted to tell you all about it. It should have a profound effect on all those involved.
For several sites with business models dependent on profit, the recent year was the worst in recent memory (no more than five years). Eyeshot, however, ended the year with a capitalization of 37 billion*, representing a 37% increase over our launch year, 1999. We also led visitors to a true story about a baby born of stone.
In just two years, Eyeshot’s stock split four times (represented here as human asses racing down a track), and our split-adjusted stock rose almost 1,370% (represented here by the word "zorbing.") And this year, our first-quarter dividend is 11 e.u.**, up 37% over the first quarter of 2000.
Led by an advertising-free business model, Eyeshot has produced strong results. We have trademarked a number of sentences, achieving reported revenues of $37 billion, representing 8% growth over 1999. This achievement was as easy as inputting the revenue information using a spreadsheet program and saving it as "yeah_right.xls."
Net income, however, grew 25% to 6.5 billion*, and diluted earnings per share rose 37% to $1.02, both excluding certain significant items like related web-hosting expenses and the cost of typical urban recreations and proferring pleasure to women of the international variety. We continue to anticipate average annual diluted earnings per share growth of 37% or more through 2002, as would anyone familiarizing themselves with hot-to-trot momentum.
Driven by the continued strength of our copromoted postings, Eyeshot’s visits also increased, despite the effect of a foreign exchange with a man with a German name that means "flying kites" and despite the retraction of pages deemed too shitty to remain on the site. In an industry record, eight of our postings achieved global viewing by at least 1 billion individuals each.***
With sales exceeding 5 billion EU, Escape Music remained the largest-selling medication in the world for cholesterol reduction, as well as the second-largest-selling pharmaceutical product of any kind, all this while being about getting laid in an under-construction home in a swanky suburban development.
Club Subsequence, despite being rejected by a great lit site, and despite being about Evel Knievel and Amelia Earhart's exploits at an assisted-suicide luxury hotel, continued to be the world’s number one antihypertensive.
Tom Bradley's Epoxy-Resin Mao, written by Tom Bradley, a real published writer who lives on the otherside of the world, held its position as the most-prescribed medicine in the United States for treating depression.
The essay entitled Eyeshot Talks Shit About the Value of Manuscripts After the Recent Sale of Kerouac's Scroll remained the largest-selling macrolide antibiotic worldwide, as well as the number-one branded oral antibiotic in the United States, despite persistent naysaying by Gene Armbrister.
Zadie Smith's Next Book Goes Like This continued to be the world’s leading oral treatment for erectile dysfunction.
* aspirational units, which may possibly have something to do with effort, and which, although invisible, tend to add clutter to one's already cluttered apartment.
** enjoyment units: although invisible, EU (not to be confused with the european union, or los estados unidos, or the erratic unconscious, or edible underwear, or erotic unctuosity) tend to lead to a positive physical reaction in the participant, manifesting as either horror, aversion, nausea, amusement, etc -- please notice that horror and aversion and nausea are "enjoyable" and "positive" -- they are not to be averted, unless they make you a shaking, sniffling wreck.
*** this was an unnecessary lie
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