Alligators are less poison then ponies, but more poison then, say, bears, or perhaps cougars. I once saw a cougar in a cage at the zoo and I tried to pet it through the fence and it smiled at me. Alligators can't smile. Although, I've heard the song that says you should never smile at a crocodile, and the two are essentially made of the same things. So, alligators/crocodiles are: 1 part poison, 2 parts green/yellow, 2 parts swamp moss. 

Cougar: 2 parts smiles, 1 part those cats that eat trash behind my apartment, 1 part poison.

There's a zoo by my house. It's in the middle of the desert and you can ride your bike out there. It's not a very good zoo. I don’t know why it's there, its so old. I hop the outside fence and walk around looking at the animals. I tried to feed a giraffe part of my Snickers bar which it refused to eat, making giraffes, at the very least, 2 parts snob, 1 part tall as all get up.

Stacy rides her bike out there with me sometimes. She has a new mountain bike with six gears and a shifter on the handle bars. I BMX. I'm 3 parts bad ass (I’m good at jumps), 2 parts scared of Stacy, and 1 part worried about snakes.

Stacy lead me into the reptile house at the zoo and she crawled up into the python's cage. They didn't put plastic to keep people out. That snake was lazy. She got up next to it and tried to pull the snake off the branch it was sleeping on.

I said, "Stacy, don't mess around with that thing."

Stacy said, "This thing is made out of wet clay."

She pulled her hair back and put it in a ponytail with a rubber band from her wrist. She put all her weight into tugging that snake, but it wouldn't budge. Stacy is 2 parts beautiful, 1 part fearless, and 4 parts legs. She has legs for days. They are tan and tight.

Stacy has two ponies out on her ranch in the desert near the zoo. She made me ride one with her. I got up on the saddle and the thing was too big to fit between my legs.

I said, "Stacy, I can't ride this thing."

She laughed and pushed the back of my pony with her pony and I got knocked off. I landed on a sharp rock. I fractured my pelvis.

Stacy came in to the hospital and saw me on the IV drip. She said, "You look terrible. You look like a bruised banana." I was 2 parts tubes, 3 parts pain killers, 1 part pissed as fuck.

I said, "I hate ponies. Why did you make me ride it?"

Stacy said, "You need to learn to ride. You're made of cotton candy, you sissy." Then she pushed the button and I felt the flood of pain killers and my eyes filled with water and I was warm.