How far will you roam for literary-related fun and excitement?
Well, recently I tried to bribe an ebay seller in New Jersey to sell me his signed copy of Steve Martin's 'Cruel Shoes' offline. So, I would have gone as far as New Jersey...but I don't think I would have crossed the Delaware River.

What are you working on?
My second book, Punk Rock Haiku Deux and my memoirs in regards to novel career choices and amusing predicaments entitled Flapping My Gums Made My Teeth Crooked

What's your font, and why is it sexy?
It usually begins with default and ends up with verdana. I used to have a font called Picante that I can't find anymore...but that was only for really special occassions.

What's the sexiest vowel-consonant combination? Please demonstrate how this sexiness works in a specific word's favor.
Sexiest vowel? I'd say "and sometimes y" because it's sexy to fudge the rules. Consonant combination? mm as in " gimme" or "mmmmmm that's good."

Does writing about sex make you want to have sex?
I'm usually too busy having sex to write about it.

Does having sex make you want to write about sex?
I'm usually too busy writing to have sex.

Does writing about sex make you want to write about sex?
I'm usually too busy writing about writing.

Does having sex make you want to have lunch?
I prefer tapas. There's something about bruschetta or guacamole after sex that tidies it all up.

What do you want for Christmas?
A miniature donkey farm.

Do you ever run your fingers along the pages of an open book as a substitute for self-gratification?
I think this occurred more in College. 

If you could fuck a book, which book, and why, and in which position?
Probably The Rachel Papers by Martin Amis. I only recently discovered it so its newness is appealing. I would tear every page out and catergorize it with different labels and folders. Then arrange the sections neatly on my bed before doing 20 minutes of calisthenics. I would then hurl myself on top of the bed and roll around so that the pages and folders adhered to my sweaty skin.

Have you ever entertained sexual fantasies about a literary character? If so, please describe your date.
Yes. I suppose I'd like to make Atticus Finch more vulnerable. See what he looks like without the suit and stoicism. Make him sweat a little...more so than that mangy dog with rabies.

Have you ever slept with the editor of this site? If no, please explain.
No. We went on a few dates but it didn't take.

When you try to pick someone up at a reading, what's your favorite literary euphemism (i.e., you wanna come over and anna my karenina?)
Don't you find the dewey decimal system so very . . . calculated??? 

Whose books do you save for bedtime reading in the hopes that the author will visit you in your dreams? If this has ever worked, please describe the nocturnal encounter.
Georges Bataille. The excess and hedonism is far too personal and primal to describe, thankyouverymuch.

Has having had your writing appear on websites ever led to bouts of uncontrollable cyberfucking with perfect strangers?
The ice cream man stories seem to send me slacker 30-somethings still living with their parents. Not exactly my type.

When overhearing someone else's sexual encounter, do you (a) put a pillow over your head, (b) grab a pen and paper and try to phonetically capture the experience, or (c) read aloud (as loudly as possible) from Middlemarch?
Overhearing like I don't know them? and they're talking just loud enough that it's not eavesdropping? Like at a bar or restaurant? Who takes a pillow with them to a bar? Wait. That's a good idea!

If you could write yourself into a book, which book, and how would your appearance sexually charge the text?
I'd probably write myself into The People's History of the United States by Howard Zinn. My beauty and integrity would harness the world's aggression and oppression. All the men would do my bidding and all the women would emulate me.

To what degree has responding to this questionnaire dampened your enslaving valley of love?
It's dampened my valley of the dolls. I was pounding the keys furiously and motioning exicitedly with my hands -- and I spilled my bloody mary all over my desk . . . destroying my dexies!!!