The funny thing about my friend Dick is that, unironically, he has a huge dick. I mean like really huge. It's literally a third leg for him. He has to have these special pants made by his mother, because he's embarrassed to go to a professional tailor, and his mother spends all her free time making these crazy pants that look like a triceratops's hat.
When he walks, his dick flops around like an extra boneless appendage. Granted, this is when he is not aroused. When Dick's dick is in full-erect phase, it points up 60 degrees and levels off at about his own height, its width that of an elephant's trunk.
It used to make me laugh to see Dick walking down the street with his gigantic dick flopping around, its cute little head peeking out of the absurd pants his mother sews for him. But I always tried not to laugh too loud.
Dick is 27 years old and he has never ejaculated. From what Dick tells me, this is an increasingly painful burden for him because the longer he goes without releasing sperm, the more dead sperm builds up in his humongous testicles, causing a strange physical pain in his lower abdomen. His inability to squirt is the logical result of two root causes:
Root cause #1: It's physically impossible for Dick to engage in sexual intercourse with a human female without ripping her apart.
Root cause #2: Dick cannot effectively masturbate because he is unable to provide the excessive amount of massage-age required for him reach happiness. He has tried many things, such as dousing a beach towel in a vat of hand soap and wrapping it around his giant penis and pulling it back and forth the way someone might dry his/her buttocks after showering. This particular effort was futile. Another time, and after a considerable amount of desperation, he bought seven prostitutes and had them do their thing, hoping that their combined skills would pop his top. Once again, a futile effort.
As I mentioned earlier, Dick is my friend. He's my neighbor and for months after he moved onto the street, I used to watch him go for morning walks and get ridiculed by little kids in Jr. High who walked to school around that time. I felt bad for him and, one evening, invited him over for a beer. It turns out that even though his penis is abnormally large, he's kind of a nice guy.
We talked about the weather and sports and politics and then he told me his life story, most of which I've already summarized for you. He also told me about times when he used to be in social settings and would see an attractive female and not be able to hide his monstrous boner, and the unbearable humility that accompanied such experiences. My friend Dick sure had a sad life.
I began to inquire if he had ever thought about finding a significant other.
"And never be able to make love to her?" he said.
I thought about whether I could ever go without having sex with my wife. I couldn't. I told him I was sorry, and I was. "Well, maybe I'll keep my eye out for someone, alright? Hey man, it's okay. You okay?"
"Yeah. I'll be okay. Thanks. No hey, really man, thanks. It's good to have a friend."
"Yeah, likewise. Hey I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"
"Yeah, okay, take care."
I went back to my house and snuggled myself in my recliner rocking chair. I grabbed my portable notebook computer, plugged in my DSL line and started surfing.
Four hours and eight beers later, I came across the following article on the National Geographic website slash anthropology:
The subject in question has become a sort of deity to her tribe. She lives among her people and is constantly regarded as a "Shingraha" or female protectorate. What we find increasingly interesting about this case is that this particular Shingraha has the world's largest vagina cavity on record to date. A possible theory is that, as part of a currently undiscovered custom, someone took a 2' diameter, 4' long bucket and shoved it into her, let it stay there for 3 - 6 years and then removed it, leaving her with this gaping hole of a vagina. This is purely theoretical and the idea that she was simply born this way has not been ruled out.
A strange social behavior among these people is evolving with the Shingraha at the epicenter, causing us to believe that her existence is as extraordinary to the tribe as it is to us. Every day, men are sent to her in that they might be successful in pleasing her, but all efforts are to no avail. And just within the past few months, we've seen, all at once, up to ten men enter her domicile at the same time. We got a glimpse of this incident and it appeared that all ten were attempting to penetrate her at the same time. Her expression was apathetic and pitiful towards all the men crowding around the lower half of her body.
We will continue this research and not attempt to interfere with the ongoing and exciting social reactions of this dilemma.
I had bought First Class tickets so that Dick would be more comfortable during this, his first plane ride. But Dick seemed fine. He was at ease. When I showed him the results of my research, he instantly knew that this woman was his destiny, and had been growing more and more confident as his destiny drew closer. Months ago, this ironic thinking always made me chuckle; this idea of having low self-confidence because one's dick is too big. But the bigness of Dick's dick was now having the opposite and intended effect. His confidence was all aglow. This, however, had the opposite and intended effect on my own self-confidence, as it would any one whose best friend possesses the world's biggest penis. By comparison, mine seemed like the world's smallest.
But I still couldn't get over the oddity of the thing. Its alienish quality. I was intrigued the way we are often intrigued by people who have some sort of mutated physiology, like a missing finger, or an extra arm growing out of one's head. For the entire 14 hour flight, Dick slept. I read 'Frankenstein' but it was difficult to stay focused and I would occasionally lift my eyes from the pages to peek at Dick's giant thing laying there on his lap, his arm draped over it as if he were petting some sort of monster pet worm.
"We need a guide to Kilominko! Does anyone here speak English?" I shouted amidst thousands of natives cramped into a street that was made way too thin. I turned around and Dick was still there, following me. We walked down the street for 50 yards and then we stopped. We stopped because everyone else on the street had stopped. They were silent. We all just stood there like someone had just pressed the pause button of our lives. Soon, they began making a clearing with Dick in the center. They were dropping to their knees and chanting 'uuhhh huh huh uuhhh huh huh Tingrala Shingraha Tingrala Shingraha uuhhh huh huh . . . '. Dick's face was contorted until he realized what was happening. He was a God. A chair appeared held by people with long horizontal poles and they lifted Dick up and into the chair and began running the opposite way down the street. I just stood there, aghast. I saw Dick turn around and look at me and shout something to someone. That someone ran towards me and grabbed my arm and ran with me to the chair and they lifted me up and threw me onto it, next to Dick and his dick. We rode all the way to Shingraha's village in Kilominko on the shoulders of a tribe whose long-standing effort to please their deity now seemed as though it would finally come to fruition.
We arrived outside of a grass hut and they lifted us down. Instantly, a very decorated dark-skinned man with a protruding belly approached us. He got a glimpse at Dick's dick and burst into tears. "Tingrala Shingraha Tink Dat Estinka!" he said while sobbing. And she appeared, the Shingraha, in the doorway of the hut. Dick just stared at her. I have to admit, she was rather lovely, albeit her midsection was sort of bulky in an inhuman way, but not necessarily unsexy. She took one look at him (Him) and grabbed his hand, but instead of taking him inside the hut, as what our faithful National Geographic Scientists would have predicted, and who were probably watching and documenting this event right now, she instead took him to the center clearing of the village.
The Shingraha was shouting her crazy language and pushing everyone away except Dick. Everyone backed off and stood at a wide perimeter. The Shingraha stood upright and shouted into the sky, "Ackba! Ackba! Tasika Shinraga Ydista dista dista,"-pointing at Dick-"DISTA!" She ripped her garments off. Dick took the hint and began undressing in an awkward way until they both stood there, exposing themselves to the frenzied village. Needless to say, Dick's dick was just as excited. She threw him down on the dirt and stood over him, inserted the tip of Dick's Head into her, looked up at the sky and shouted, "DISTA DISTA DISTA!", and sat down hard, rocketing him into her. The crowd gasped. She sat on top of him for a few seconds until they made eye contact with each other.
And with tears in their eyes, they commenced.
[Forever after at http://eyeshot.net/darbydick.html]
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