scooter is the official ostrich of the cruciflex - click his beak to submit
The days of feeble, flabby political correctness vanished with the last century.  In these righteous days of the Bush Administration the personage of Jesus Christ has morphed from John Denver into Billy Jack. He wants peace, but isn't afraid to kick some ass. So, Christians everywhere are called to make their bodies as hard as their souls.

What supra-natural apparatus will build the soul while strengthening the body?


The CRUCIFLEX is an eight-foot-tall cross constructed of handcrafted hardwood imported from the Holy Land. This authentically New Testament frame is sheathed in futuristic ShokTuf® foam, and covered by your choice of red, white, or blue velour. Optional weighted rods can be attached to the CRUCIFLEX to increase its weight.

The CRUCIFLEX Workout® is two-fold:

First, for building muscle and strength-gaining, carry the CRUCIFLEX just as Christ carried his to Golgotha: gripping the crossbeam over your shoulder. Do this twenty minutes a day, three days a week, and watch the pounds fall away like non-Christian Philistines.

Brochure includes photographs depicting a man carrying the CRUCIFLEX around his neighborhood, wearing a white sweatband and unblemished white athletic shoes; ladies walking side-by-side in a suburban neighborhood ,wearing unblemished white athletic shoes, each smilingly carrying a CRUCIFLEX; a heavily-muscled, helmeted man, riding a bicycle with the CRUCIFLEX over his shoulder; school children CRUCIFLEX-ing in phys-ed class, angelically strengthening their budding muscle-groups while remembering how the Lord was tortured for their sins.

The second, and most exciting aspect of the CRUCIFLEX Workout® is the aerobic exercise it provides.

Place the CRUCIFLEX on its titanium-alloy pedestal. Mount the device using its ergonomically placed handholds. Slide your feet into the slipper-like ShokTuf® fastening bands on the down-slanted platform. Extend your arms so that your wrists pass through ShokTuf® loops designed to hold your arms firmly to the crossbeam. The crossbeam is double-hinged so you can alternately work your shoulders and biceps. Add our patent-pending carbon springs to increase the level of resistance.  Then flex!

But don't just flex, CRUCIFLEX!

It's fun!

Brochure depicts housewives CRUCIFLEX-ing in front of the TV, exercising while watching their favorite soap operas. Couples using the CRUCIFLEX together before a blazing fireplace, or by candlelight, or in front of a bay window watching the sunset. 

Order yours today and trim that waist-line while trimming eons from your sentence in Purgatory! 

Still skeptical? Well, have you ever seen a fat, paunchy Jesus hanging on a crucifix?  Even once? Of course not. And now those rippling abs and taut arms can be yours. 

Order now and receive as our gift the CROWN-O'-THORNS® headband and STIGMATA® wristbands at no additional charge. To the first one hundred callers, a complimentary Loin Cloth made of real Nazarene burlap will also accompany your order.

CRUCIFLEX is endorsed not only by both the American and Canadian Medical Associations, but by theologians around the world.

Get yours today!

Just dial 1-888-TUF-LORD.


[Not only is this writer Canadian, he's also a minister available 
for weddings and funerals in Michigan - swear to G-d]

[Forever after at

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