b1. I would cook for you on our first date. Perhaps carpaccio with duck liver and ravioli pistou and something nice from my wine cellar. We could eat and get to know one another by candlelight.
Mmm, short and sweet! Okay, number 2.
b2. I would take you to an amusement park. We could talk while waiting in line. I feel that you learn a lot about someone when you find out what they sound like when they scream on a roller coaster. Well, by what scares them in general. With all my last girlfriends, we broke up because they became wrecks, emotional wrecks, but from the sound of things, from the questions you ask, you strike me as the brave type. That's very attractive.
b3. I know a good coffee shop we could go to. Some places make espresso that tastes like you've dipped your tongue in dirt but this place I like. And then after . . . sex? I don't know. We could see what happens.
b4. I thought -- sorry, I didn't think I was going to get called on. I thought there were only supposed to be three bachelors. But since I'm on the spot-- I dunno. I don't like long walks on the beach, but if you do, I'll go with. I don't like flowers but if you like them I'll buy you some. I'm allergic to chocolate. I had a heart operation when I was 17 and so I don't like cards with hearts on them. It reminds me of the medicine I'll have to take for the rest of my life to keep my blood from gumming up. My parents divorced. I don't know what I'm doing here. My friends thought it would be good for me but I only came so they'd stop calling me a fag. Sorry. Look, just ask the next guy 'cause you're not going to pick me anyway. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I just get nervous and start talking and -- sorry, I'll shut up.
b5. I think for our first date, if I had enough time, I could have a time machine ready to go back so we could, uh, fix some childhood trauma you'd like to see erased. Maybe. Find a lost favorite toy or -- or -- save you from an accident. Please don't laugh. I've already tried it out, actually. You probably don't remember it but when you were five you fell off of the monkey bars on the playground at Laurelwood Elementary School. Broke your left wrist. You were such an outgoing child but after that accident, it was as if you couldn't trust the world anymore. But now you're an accomplished amateur violinist. I helped make that happen.
Oh you did, did you?
I know according to the rules of the game I'm not supposed to know who you are but -- with my machine, I don't see why I have to be curious about anything anymore. If I want to know how anything is going to turn out, I can just travel and find out. For example, would I get away with it if I didn't do my taxes this year? I could go forward and see if I got caught or not. Or another example... if we dated, would you be sexually experimental? Would you let me tie you up and put my tongue in your ass without worrying about germs the next time you kissed me? I could go forward and ask my future self how it turned out. And I'd learn that I should just brush my teeth right away, afterward. For example.
b6. I would take you to meet my parents. My father is a stage magician and has made an entire elephant disappear. My mother has a wooden leg. He once made her leg disappear and she had to get a wooden one. It's magic. But it totally works. My youngest brother was once a ventriloquist's dummy. He is still hollow even though he was brought to life and is now a real little boy. He never grows older. He ran away from home once and we found him busking in the subway, playing his own hollow real boy chest like a drum. On our first date, you can meet him and he might let you drum on him. My mother might let you touch her leg. My father might find all the flags of all the countries of the world in the sleeve of your blouse. If you'd feel better being chaperoned -- I don't know how old-fashioned or modern you are -- we could go out with my entire family for the first date. My brother could show you how much food he can eat at one time and my mother, after a few glasses of wine, will dance like a harem girl with her leg clicking time on the floor. My father will make the check disappear. And I will try my hand at the strongest magic . . . I will attempt, in full view of the restaurant audience, with neither smoke nor mirrors, with my sleeves rolled up, to fall in love with you. No tricks.
b7. We could take my personal jet to Paris. I have current copies of six to eight women's interest magazines in my jet's seating area at all times, so you'll have plenty to read. When we arrive in the foreign destination of your choice, I'll introduce you to everyone at the American embassy. We can play some poker with them (all ambassadors play poker, I've found, and badly) and earn enough money to fuel up the plane and come back. If you don't like poker . . . ah, what the heck. I'll pay for the fuel myself.
b8. Wherever we go, it would be nice if there were seats. 'Cause with all these bachelors, I've been standing the whole time. It'll be worth it if you go out with me. 's just my feet are tired, is all.
b9. Hello, pumpkin. It's your dad. I mean, uh, Bachelor Number Nine. Sorry. There's a guy with a microphone stuck to his head giving me a dirty look now, but uh, I figured you know my voice anyway. I just wanted you to know that whichever bachelor you pick out of all these gentlemen up here on the stage with me, you have my full support. You're a beautiful young lady and I'm sure you know how to look after yourself. But if you pick me, I'll take you out dancing at the very nightclub I managed to seduce your mother in. You should have seen her. Hips like Helen of Troy and she knew how to move them. We did the foxtrot that night and I almost got my shoulders pulled out of joint holding on to those wild hips of hers. I remember you took some dance courses when you were a little girl and I'm sure it'll all come back to you. I forget, are you of legal drinking age yet? They'll let you in no matter what, I mean you're with your father and all. Just think about it, pumpkin. At least this way I'll know that you're safe. Not that any of these gentlemen up here with me look dodgy or anything. Actually, a few look pretty scrawny. You could knock a couple of 'em on their asses just with your elbow, honey. Your mother . . . your mother was a beautiful woman.
b10. THIS UNIT WOULD LIKE TO DATE YOU VERY MUCH. THIS UNIT WOULD DIM THE LIGHTS OF HIS APARTMENT AND PLAY FOR YOU JOY DIVISION'S "LOVE WILL TEAR US APART" AND THEN THE COVER VERSION OF "LOVE WILL TEAR US APART" BY SQUAREPUSHER AND THEN THE JOY DIVISION VERSION AGAIN. ACCORDING TO MY -- brr brr bweet! -- MOST RECENT ESTIMATIONS, THIS ROMANTIC GESTURE CONTAINS THE PROPER MIXTURE OF ROMANCE, MELANCHOLY AND ECCENTRICITY TO MAINTAIN YOUR INTEREST BUT NOT TO SCARE YOU OFF. THIS UNIT WAS SPECIFICALLY DESIGNED TO ROCK YOUR WORLD. PLEASE ALLOW ME TO ROCK YOU. IT IS MY PURPOSE.
b9. Sorry to butt in here, but pumpkin, that's not a robot. It's just a guy doing a robot voice. Oh no, now the guy with the headset is really pissed. I suppose I'm not supposed to be talking out of turn. He's -- hold on, he's helping me from my seat. A little -- Look out now, the mic cord is--
. . . And after this break, we'll be right back to let you know who our lucky bachelorette will be choosing. Please stay tuned, the best is yet to come!
b10. HA HA HA HA HA.
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