the aphrodite bull says submit or she'll cut your nuts off!

Take the Sports Challenge 

Watch a professional or collegiate sport with your partner of choice, and see if your combined orgasms can outnumber the total points scored in the game. Obviously, you're better off picking hockey or soccer. Baseball can work, and so can football if it's a real defensive battle. But if you go with basketball, make sure you've got plenty of Gatorade and 911 on your speed-dial. 

Banana Costumes 

Lingerie is passé. Silky, see-through, strappy, sensual . . . forget about it. You want banana costumes, like the guy from the Fruit of the Loom commercial. Large, ungainly, sweaty banana suits that place about two feet of foam between you and your lover's genitals. Now you're ready for an awkward and frustrating bout of dry humping! Give it an hour, or until one of you gets bored and/or falls asleep. 

Walkie Talkies

If you like phone sex, then you'll love its retarded, backward cousin: walkie talkies! Just go to separate corners of the house and enjoy static-impaired bursts of incomprehensible mumblings punctuated by "Over?" (A tip: when it starts to get really hot, use the Morse Code button.)

The Bear Habitat 

You've already exhausted the thrill of doing it in public, so why not take it up a notch? You and your honey head to the bear habitat at the local zoo, climb over the fence and start gettin' it on. You think the danger of getting caught in public is exciting? Brother, you haven't lived until you've experienced the danger of potentially being mauled to death by a giant, angry and slightly confused Grizzly. Your premature, frightened ejaculation after hearing that first ursine bellow is your well-earned reward. 

The Jar-Jar

Get yourself a Jar-Jar Binks mask, kindly ask your partner to put it on, and get ready to bang the shit out of the most hated character of science fiction. You'll get your money back and then some, as you fuck the creature responsible for ruining the most treasured film enterprise of your childhood.


As you reach the throes of ecstasy, scream at your partner to punch you in the face. There's nothing like some random, misplaced violence to kill your orgasm and the mood. Ice your chin and say goodnight.

The Dryer

You've enjoyed the variety and spontaneity of having sex in the shower or on the kitchen table. So find that spark again by cramming both of your torsos into the dryer and making love on the open door, with the added bonus of claustrophobia and the potential for serious injury! 

The Full Fluid Release 

As part of your foreplay, give yourself a laxative (or, if you prefer, an enema). Then commence with the whoopee! As you build toward climax, take a swallow of Syrup of Ipecac (which induces vomiting) and get ready for liquid to start flying out of every orifice. It takes a while to master the timing, but once you've had the "flush rush" and passed out in a steaming morass of your own filth, there's no going back! (We recommend some sort of tarp)


Whether it's alcohol, pot, coke, heroin or even Viagra, who doesn't love a little sex while under the influence of mind-altering substances? If you're feeling particularly daring and want to try something more hard-core, we have seven words for you: horse tranquilizers shot directly into your penis. Frankly, we have no idea what this will do, but damn if it doesn't sound intriguing. Good luck, and let us know what happens.

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