You'd be surprised how much fun it is to touch my balls.
 

I don't have any diseases, but even if I did, you couldn't get them from simply touching my balls. It is a safe thing to do.
 

Not many people have ever seen, much less touched, my balls. A few doctors, some women, the occasional postman here or there, but very few people. People will listen in rapt attention when you tell them this tale. Tons of people have been to Chartre cathedral. How many can brag that they've touched my balls?
 

Is it right to go through life being so isolated, so separated from others? Shouldn't people be encouraged to get together, to get acquainted with one another? It could be quite a social event. Shouldn't everyone be urged to touch my balls?
 

This is no come-on. I'm not suggesting you have sex with me--that would be crazy--only that you should touch me in a certain place. It's no different from touching your boyfriend's or husband's balls, really. you won't even have to look if you don't want to--I will guide your hand to this magical destination.
 

Hey, I know what you're thinking; dude it's not like that at all--I am not gay. But this request is not that weird when you think about it. Think of it as one of those wild things you've never done, that you will probably never do again; something you will be able to "tell your grandchildren about." Do you want to die knowing that you had the opportunity to touch my balls but did not? Do you want to die one who was ruled by his fear of touching my balls? We've all done far grosser things in our lives. Just the act of touching them doesn't at all suggest that you are gay--you are not going to be doing any more than just touching. What, are you afraid of what people might say about you--people and their little opinions? What are you, a fairy?--c'mon, touch my goddamn balls already.
 

Old people, when's the last time you touched a young guy's balls? C'mon, it'll be crazy.
 

People of every race, creed and religion should be encouraged to touch my balls. This is an activity that could truly unite many different peoples. You know, now that I think about it, no African American has ever touched my pendulous treasures. C'mon Black people--touch my balls.
 

Isn't your time better spent touching my balls than it is doing most or all of the things that make up your banal days? Maybe you work for a company that makes, lets say, land mines. Every minute spent at my house, with me, with my pants down, and your hand outstretched, is a minute you are not increasing the world's misery by manufacturing those sadistic devices. Think about what you are doing all day on a typical senseless work day. Shouldn't there be more to life than that? Wouldn't you feel better about yourself if you spent that time touching my balls instead?
 

My balls are enclosed in a sack of skin that has a little bit of hair growing out of it. Don't you wonder what that feels like? Wouldn't you like to touch them? Why not go ahead and just touch them; what do you have to lose?
 

You should stop living a life that is run according to your own selfish desires, and direct your life to the path that God has set out for each of us. Jesus didn't go about washing people's feet because he thought it was fun. God wants us to love each other, not to meander through our solitary days avoiding physical and social contact with one another. God wants you to touch my balls.

I don't want to make you do something you really don't want to do. Only you can decide what is best for yourself. But I think there are many reasons why you should take up my offer. Think about what I've said; think about touching my balls.
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