I disagree, Brian. I think, if anything, it was more game than love affair, friendship, etc. Maybe even a sport. In fact, I have taken the liberty of compiling the following score card based on “our relationship.” As you will see, I emerge clearly victorious.

March 8: Two weeks of dating. You: “Do you want to be, like, my girlfriend?”  Real cute. I say, “Sure.” Game on. (Score: Me - 0; You - 0) 

March 12: You reluctant to engage in cunnilingus. Me persuasive, promising reciprocation. After feigned orgasm, I fall asleep. You masturbate into styrofoam cup. (Score: Me - 1; You - 0)

March 13: Out with you and your friends at The Fox and Friar British-style pub. Over pints I tell them story of previous night. You earn nickname “Dixie Cup Harvey.” (Score: Me - 2; You - 0)

April 14: Easter. You surprise me with extravagant city-wide egg-hunt. Next day I buy you homoerotic muscle magazine as compensatory gift. Two weeks later I find magazine absorbing run-off from leaky pipe under your bathroom sink. (Score: Me - 2; You - 1)

June 22: Your 24th birthday. Honestly, I had no idea. (Score: Me - 2; You - 2)

July 8: You buy me roses for our “four month anniversary.” Four month anniversary? What the hell is that? Still. The roses were super sweet. (Score: Me - 2; You - 3)

July 8: After round of mini-golf, I drop premature “I love you” in parking lot. You reciprocate with: “Really?” (Score: Me - 2; You -4)

August 29: You convince me to try Ecstacy at rave. In fit of sensory energy, I make out with six strangers. Later, I send hysterical email to your mother, telling her the whole story, and that if we ever get married to please forgive us both. Minus one for me; minus one for you, too. (Score: Me - 1; You - 3)

September 5: Labour day weekend. You meet my family for first time. Only after having told Mom and Dad at dinner that it was “retarded” you majored in film studies, do you remember my uncle has Down's Syndrome. (Score: Me - 2; You - 3)

October 31: Drunk at Halloween kegger, you fall down stairs dressed as Cheech Marin. Crying, you call me from party and suggest moving in together. (Score: Me - 3; You - 3)

December 25: You try to pass off used copy of “DanceFloor 3000” compilation cd and Body Shop gift basket as heartfelt Christmas presents. Sometimes “But I’m a student” just doesn’t cut it. (Score: Me - 4; You - 3)

January 1: At stroke of midnight, I call you “James” as we pull away from New Year’s kiss. (Score: Me - 4; You - 4)

February 13: I cancel dinner plans for Valentine’s Day, claiming to have “big economics exam” to study for. I forget your cousin TAs that class. (Score: Me - 4; You - 5)

February 15: We get together to “evaluate our relationship.” End up at table in coffee shop beside your ex-girlfriend, who is with her Yoga teacher. We overhear the word “Tantric.” (Score: Me - 5; You - 5)

April 1: “I’m pregnant” = best April Fool’s joke ever. (Score: Me - 6; You - 5) 

April 26: Finally finish my B.A. Decide to head to Europe for summer. You show up at my parents’ house and try to convince them it’s a bad idea. My dad has no clue who you are. (Score: Me - 7; You - 5)

May 19: You send me postcard care of “friend” I am staying with in Cologne, explaining how “distance has cleared your head.” That’s it, aside from drawing of dreadlocks you are growing while tree-planting. I don’t know why, but you get a point for this. (Score: Me - 7; You - 6)

June 22: Oops. Forgot your birthday again. Haven’t heard from you in three weeks, anyway. (Score: Me - 7; You - 7) 

July 3: Back from Europe, totally broke. No idea how to get hold of you. Move back into parents’ house and take job at Foot Locker. Quickly gain ten pounds due to food court diet. Your mom comes in to buy Reeboks. We don’t have her size. Under breath, I swear I hear her say, “tramp” as she leaves store. On my break I go home and don’t come back. (Score: Me - 7; You - 8)

July 22: You back for weekend off. Run into one another at pharmacy. You buying lice treatment. Me picking up birth control pills. (Score: Me - 8; You - 8)

July 22: Decide to go for walk. You tell me you’ve been seeing someone else. You: “Maybe we should reconsider where our relationship is heading.” Me: “What relationship?”  Zing!  (Score: Me - 9; You - 8)

July 24: Break-up official. You swing by my place on way back up north to return copy of Bridget Jones’ Diary. Me out getting facial. You hand it over to my dad, who gives it to me when I come home, explaining “This is from that gay friend of yours.” (Final Score: Me - 10; You - 8)

There you have it. I win, Brian Harvey. I win.

-LDO

(*