|We're still obviously very conflicted about all this. We've decided
to sort of hide it to minimize viewers, but nevertheless we want to record
and preserve our confusion and various responses at the time, which varied
greatly, and which therefore might be sort of interesting to read one day
in 2022, assuming much greater controversy didn't destroy us all. So here
are some responses to Eyeshot's contribution to the Neal Pollack roast,
responses that compelled us to retract the posting for a while, responses
that also compelled us to do what we're doing right now, that is, making
it all available, if in a sort of quiet, hidden way:
"Wow, that was awesome. Funny and mean and roastastic."
"I have just finished reading through the latest, greatest eyeshot roasting of NP. I really enjoy following the links and reading parts of everyone's websites. It is the best most fun of eyeshot."
"Interestingly, when somebody mentioned in an e-mail that your piece sounded mean, I defended yours as being most roastworthy because you maturely attacked his writing, his originality, his creativity, while everybody else was mostly taking cheap shots at the doughy, balding appearance."
"I thought it was funny, but I also felt for Mr. Pollack. I like the both of you and your forces."
"Anyway, I don't really have that much to say about the roast. It's too bad that Neal got upset but I guess that just speaks to anybody who puts up a big ego front, they've got something more delicate inside to protect. And of course it's a good lesson to learn that even if you have a book deal and are on the Daily Show and get your book reviewed in the NYT and write for Vanity Fair and on and on that doesn't bring peace of mind. The thing I don't really get about roasts is that they can be so hard to separate the real criticism from the fond kick in the pants."
"I thought the roast was beyond the pale but not enough to waste time arguing about it."
"You crossed a line with your roast, the baby line (and some other smaller
lines, yes, but I can't believe you brought the kid into it), and no matter
what Neal says, it's not that easy to tiptoe back across the baby line.
I think that's the first rule of Catskills Comedy Stylings: leave the family
out of it. Your roast was scary mean, Lee, especially to anyone who doesn't
know you as well as I do-- it was strangely even mean to Hodgman, I thought,
and accusing someone you admire of being a big Neal Pollack wannabe faker
is a weird way to demonstrate that-- and even though I know you well and
I > was able to look through all your verbiage and see that deep down you
thought you were being cute, I was kind of horrified. It's just that
you are, as always, too smart for your own good, stringing together these
words-- and so many of them!-- to put across an idea that seems clear to
you, but no one else is going to take the time to read every single word
and then read them again (this time for hidden meanings), because it's
a website, and people skim, and they see "jew bastard" and game over. Add
to that my increasing belief that if you have to explain something you've
written in order for it
"oh boy. it's weird, i think, that you had me read it and i was like yeah, whatever, it's lee doing this online mean thing that he and his online friends like to do, but it just seemed so fluffy to me i guess. it never even crossed my mind that bringing in his kid was going too far -- i don't quite understand why that's such a taboo, i guess. honestly, i just frankly don't get it at all, any of it."
i just don't understand how the fuck your dumb thing is any more offensively
dumb than: "When I heard Neal was a Jew, I was pretty surprised because
he sucks his own cock just like a Catholic Mexican." or "However, if your
primary source of sustenance is your own disease-ridden semen, you just
might be Neal Pollack" or "Neal Pollack is one of the wisest, most beautiful
people I've ever met. He knows the meaning of life, you know? He tried
to tell me once, but I couldn¹t understand him with his dick in his
mouth" or "When Neal says, "We need to kill all of them fags. We
need to kill fat fags, skinny fags, rich fags, handsome fags, misunderstood
fags, paraplegic fags, African American fags" or " Neal Pollack, the greatest
living American douchebag" or "Do you know how to get a grown man's penis
unstuck from any or all orifices of a kitten fetus? If you do, that'd be
sweet. I'm kind of in a spot here. Much love, NP" or "Okay, back to bathing
in my own diarrhea. Toodle-Loo! NP" or "I spent all of my money lobbying
to make child abuse legal. By the way, you were right! The doctor confirmed
that I have the smallest penis on the planet and that I'm gay and that
I poop my pants all the time and whatnot" or "If I'm not busy smearing
cole slaw all over my butt and masturbating my penis" or "If I'm not trying
to have sex with animals, food or other things I shouldn't try to have
sex with, I listen to this constantly" or
After it came down . . .
"Come on, man! You caved! What a wuss that guy is. Anyway, I understand. When people are that sensitive, I can understand not wanting to make more trouble than necessary. Still. Itís a shame; it was a great piece."
"Wow. don't hate yourself TOO much! Now I feel bad for you :( "
"Klein, you sap. I hear you omitted some of your stunning
"I don't know if you need to flagellate yourself so harshly. The problem for me from the beginning was the impression I had that you had taken the roast opportunity to really air a lot of sincere personal and critical grievances. That and the child/jew-bastard thing, which seemed tasteless to me, but certainly within your rights to use if that's how you felt. But as much as I didn't like some things you said, I hope you know that I certainly had no problem with your expressing them. Now I realize you meant the piece to be taken with salt (or did you?--I guess I'm still not clear)."
"Well, I'm sorry to see it go, but I sure understand why you did. I hope you've saved the file someplace, though, for the eventual tell-all on VH1's Behind the Roast."
"heh. did he email you again or something? i emailed him and he seemed
pretty peeved by the whole roast thing. but he also tried to sourly-toughly
downplay it after i told him that the roasters probably didn't mean much
harm. couple of interesting things from my perspective: 1) it probably
helped him. he'll be back to his old shenanigans in a few months; he can't
deny his personality, which is custom-made for seeking attention via the
web. and this has served as a sort of bridge
"What better way to make ammends than to do an Eyeshot Escort thing
on Mr. Pollack. It would be ironic, sort of."