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THE SCREENPLAY OF TED'S LIFE: SCENE #9,787
BY CHRISTOPHER MONKS
*
Tedís Life: Scene #9,787. Where Ted finally succumbs to the voices and only communicates with people through the lyrics of Bonnie Tyler songs.

INT. A SANDWICH SHOP DAY 

The shop is not terribly busy. A young WORKER dressed in a colorful purple and brown uniform waits for TED to place his order. TED is dressed in a sweatsuit and on his head is his patriotic "These Colors Donít Run" baseball cap. He wanted to wear his favorite shirt, but heíd worn it the last few times he had been in the sandwich shop and he didnít want the sandwich shop people to think he always wore the same shirt. He regrets not wearing it now because he loves Bonnie Tyler and wants to do her proud. TED scans the menu. He seems confused. He may have a cold too. No oneís sure. Not even TED. He thinks at the very least he has the sniffles, but heís had the sniffles before when theyíve never turned into anything substantially worse (see scene #ís 975, 5,310, and 8,082). Then again heís also experienced the sniffles turn into something more serious, such as influenza (scene #ís 665, and 4332), whooping cough (scene #6000) and pneumonia (scene #ís 999, 1999, 2999, 3999, 4999, 5999, and 7117).

WORKER 

May I take your order, sir?

TED 

I need a hero. [Sniffles]

WORKER 

You mean a sub, sir?

TED 

I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night.

WORKER 

We donít call them "heroes" here, sir. We call them "subs."

TED 

He's gotta be strong. [Sniffles]

WORKER 

Iím sorry, sir?

TED 

And he's gotta be fast.

WORKER 

You want a fast sandwich?

TED

And he's gotta be fresh from the fight.

WORKER

I assure you, sir, all our bread is baked fresh daily.

Thereís a long pause. The WORKER awaits a response from TED. TED continues to scan the menu. The WORKER starts to get impatient, but doesnít want to be rude; itís his first day on the job and he wants to make a good impression on his manager, who also happens to be his fatherís bookie. The WORKER hates his father. His father has ruined everything! All the day long he silently curses his father. The WORKER is also worried TED might touch him and infect him with whatever disease is giving TED the sniffles. TED taps on a straw dispenser which lies on the counter. He releases five or six straws. Noóseven straws. Behind him, a line of hungry sandwich-wanting customers begins to form. TED sniffles. The WORKER breaks the silence.

WORKER

Excuse me, sir? I need your order.

Ted points to a picture on the menu of a corned beef sandwich.

WORKER 

Iím sorry, sir, weíre out of corned beef today.

TED 

Oh, itís a heartache. Nothing but a heartache.

WORKER 

Might I suggest the low-fat pastrami?

TED 

Hits you when itís too late.

WORKER 

Not that you appear to need a low-fat sandwich, of course.

TED 

Hits you when youíre down.

WORKER 

Iím just trying to help you decide, sir.

SANDWICH-WANTING CUSTOMER #1 

Whatís the problem, here?

TED

Itís a foolís game.

WORKER [To SANDWICH-WANTING CUSTOMER #1] 

Please be patient, I will take your order shortly.

TED 

Nothing but a foolís game.

SANDWICH-WANTING CUSTOMER #1 

Who you calling a fool?

SANDWICH-WANTING CUSTOMER #2 

I donít believe he was referring to you, he was referóMarcus? Is that you, Marcus Fitzwilliger?

SANDWICH-WANTING CUSTOMER #1 

Yes, Iím Marcus Fitzwilliger. Have we met?

SANDWICH-WANTING CUSTOMER #2 

Itís Julie. Julie Luckleberry, from North High.

SANDWICH-WANTING CUSTOMER #1 

Julie, of course. Wow, whatís it been, fifteen, twenty years?

SANDWICH-WANTING CUSTOMER #2 

Seventeen years, three months and four days.

SANDWICH WANTING CUSTOMER #1 

Golly. How have you been?

WORKER [To TED] 

Sir. If you canít decide, please move aside so someone else can place their order.

TED 

Standing in the cold rain. [Sniffles]

WORKER

No, sir. You donít have to go outside. Just step aside while you make a decision.

TED

Feeling like a clown.

WORKER 

I assure you, sir. I have no intention of making you feel like a clown.

The line grows longer. SANDWICH WANTING CUSTOMERS #1 and #2 continue to chat quietly about the "old days." Their conversation appears intimate, yet awkward. TED begins to make animal shapes with his seven straws. Very similar to when he did in scene #9781, except without an emphasis on the erotic. While he does so his cap falls to the ground. TED doesnít notice, heís lost in the glory that is speaking in Bonnie Tylerish. TED suddenly feels like things are going to change for him, and right then and there he decides that when he gets home he will build a Bonnie Tyler statue in his living room out of found materials in his apartment, not unlike how Richard Dreyfuss built a replica of Devilís Tower in "Close Encounters of the Third Kind" in his living room out of found materials in his house, except TED doesnít have any chicken wire. Hmm. Can he still do it without chicken wire? Yes, yes, he can. He will do it. Oh, it will be great. Bonnie Tyler will love it and maybe now sheíll write back to him, or better yet write a song about him. TED hopes he can be an extra in the music video.

WORKER [pointing to the cap on the floor just behind TED] 

Your hat, sir.

TED doesnít appear to understand what the WORKER means. He gives up on his straw animals and tosses the straws on the counter. 

WORKER

Turn around.

TED

Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and youíre never coming around.

WORKER

What? Sir, please turn around.

TED

Every now and then I get little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears.

MANAGER/BOOKIE [to WORKER]

Is there a problem here?

WORKER

Iím having trouble telling this man he dropped his cap.

MANAGER/BOOKIE

Sir, turn around, your ható

TED

Every now and then I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by.

WORKER [to MANAGER/BOOKIE]

See what I mean.

SANDWICH-WANTING CUSTOMER #2

I really need a sandwich.

SANDWICH-WANTING CUSTOMER #1

Amen to that.

SANDWICH-WANTING CUSTOMER #2

Remember that night we went and got sandwiches after the big game.

SANDWICH-WANTING CUSTOMER #1

How could I forget? That was the best blow-job of my life.

SANDWICH-WANTING CUSTOMER #2 [giggles]

Oh, Marcus.

SANDWICH-WANTING CUSTOMER #1

Oh, Julie.

MANAGER/BOOKIE [to Ted]

Your cap. Just turn aroundó

TED

Bright eyes!

WORKER

What the?

TED

Every now and then I fall apart.

MANGER/BOOKIE and WORKER

Turn around!

TED

Bright Eyes! Every now and then I fall apart!

SANDWICH-WANTING CUSTOMER #1

And I need you now tonight.

SANDWICH-WANTING CUSTOMER #2

And I need you more than ever.

SANDWICH-WANTING CUSTOMER #1

And if you only hold me tight.

SANDWICH-WANTING CUSTOMER #2

Weíll be holding on forever.

TED

And weíll only be making it right Ďcause weíll never be wrong.

MANAGER/BOOKIE walks out from behind the counter. He picks up the cap, takes TEDíS hand, and tries to escort him to the back of the line. TEDíS eyes meet the eyes of both SANDWICH-WANTING CUSTOMER #1 and SANDWICH-WANTING CUSTOMER #2 as he passes them. TED stops. The MANAGER/BOOKIE stops. He turns back to the WORKER and gives him a look of confused exasperation. A tear runs down the WORKERíS face; it was the same look his father gave him when he told him that he sold his rare pet fish to cover a bet. The WORKER loved that fish. He looked forward to coming home and feeding Sparky everyday after school. Now Sparky is gone to who knows where. Does he think about me? The Worker slowly starts to crumble under the weight of knowing that heíll forever be tied to the life of sandwich-making for his fatherís bookie.

SANDWICH-WANTING CUSTOMER #1

You know once upon a time I was falling in love.

TED and WORKER [In unison]

But now Iím only falling apart.

TED, WORKER, SANDWICH-WANTING CUSTOMER #1 and SANDWICH WANTING CUSTOMER #2 [In unison]

Nothing I can do, a total eclipse of the heart.
 
 

END SCENE
 

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