It is inevitable that you will, at some point in the very near future, apply for a position as my lover. Because of this I feel it is necessary to issue a basic list of things that I will require before you put yourself through the humbling, yet wholly worthwhile process.
1. Experience is necessary. There will be no training.
2. I grow irritated and develop passive-aggressive behavioural patterns if I do not immediately inspire in you an animal lust to an equal, or greater, degree than do your favourite popular film stars.
3. When I am standing naked before you I expect to hear you gasp in a pleasantly surprised and impatient way.
4. You will be supplied with a list of acceptable “coital-terms” and their proper English usage. This list will be accompanied by a pronunciation and grammar guide. This list will prevent you from making mistakes that will ruin an otherwise perfectly enjoyable time. ‘Commed’, as in “Have you commed?” or “I have commed, too!” for example, is never the correct past participle of the verb ‘to come’.
5. If you speak any foreign languages, please use them when in bed with me to express your satisfaction. I like this very much. Note, however, that there is a list of “acceptable” languages that is subject to change without notice. Languages with guttural stops, and/or hard, throaty aitches will not be acceptable. Also not allowed is the recitation of simple words and phrases from pocket travel guides. This loophole is now closed. So do not, like a previous lover, ask for directions to the nearest toilet in something vaguely resembling French.
6. It is likely that you will be manoeuvred into various positions which you may find unnatural, uncomfortable or irritating. Do not express these feelings to me before, during or after our coitus. I am merely emulating my favourite film stars and I know that you really like it anyway.
7. There will be no ‘post-coital’ cigarette. My mother does not allow smoking in the house. There is, however, an old coffee can on the back porch that you are free to use. You must be fully clothed when making use of these facilities.
8. The moniker ‘One-Minute Man’ may never be used to describe me. If any of your friends asks, the correct answer is always to be, “Oh yeah, hours!”
9. When we are out together we will always be at a location of my choosing. During these times you are required to listen attentively while I talk about myself for an indefinite amount of time. To be an attentive listener you must do two things: smile and nod at all the right times, and ask me leading questions that enable me to reminisce about prior ‘conquests’ to whom you will then be mercilessly compared. These monologues will no doubt conclude with a compliment about either a) your clothing or b) one of your physical traits. These compliments may initially seem forced and unnatural. They are not. They are sincere. Really.
10. Metaphorical conversations about our ‘relationship’ are not acceptable. Conversations like the following are grounds for immediate dismissal.
“Do you like my hair?”
“Don’t you think I should change it?”
“I think it’s too long.”
“Shave it off.”
I know that when you start conversations like this, you are assuming that you will hold a position as my lover long enough for me to witness changes in your hairstyle and tastes in fashion. You will not. I also know that you are choosing hairstyle to represent a large number of changes that you assume I will help you both decide upon and facilitate. You are wrong. Our ‘relationship’ will be a short one and will be strictly professional.
11. The position is unpaid. Volunteer work, however, always looks good on a resume. Due to the fact that I will spare no detail when I talk about your abilities, or lack of, to all of my friends, you may be given other positions based on your reputation.
12. At the end of the period of time that I have allowed you to be my lover, you will be dismissed. Beginning at this point you will generally be reviled and treated very poorly by me and everyone I know. If I see you on the street or in a restaurant, I will pretend I have no idea who you are. If you call my house asking for me, I will have my mother tell you I am not home. If you see me about town with one of more of your replacements, and it proves too difficult for me to pretend I do not know you, I will conveniently forget your name. You will be embarrassed.
13. By agreeing to become my lover, you subscribe to all of the above. You may be dismissed if you infringe, violate, break or otherwise disobey any of the above regulations.
[Forever after at http://eyeshot.net/loverposition.html]
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