New York City. Technically Queens. I'm not ashamed of that.

How far will you roam for literary-related fun and excitement?

Brooklyn?

What are you working on?

Moving to Brooklyn.

What's your font, and why is it sexy?

Times. Because there's something mysterious about the girl next door. You think you know her, but then you hit high school and she starts to keep the venetian blinds closed all the time. What's happening back there? You thought you'd seen it all! But the silhouette, oh, the silhouette . . . 

What's the sexiest vowel/consonant combination? Please demonstrate how this sexiness works in a specific word's favor.

Sna As in, "God. I could use a snack. Anyone want a snack? Snack, snack, snack . . . "

Does writing about sex make you want to have sex? 

I'm from Texas.

Does having sex make you want to write about sex? 

We don't say that word.

Does writing about sex make you want to write about sex? 

Unless we're talking about cattle. As in, "Whut sex is it?" "It's a gurl." "Sweet. Bring 'er over and we'll breed sumthin' fer the 4-H."

Does having sex make you want to have lunch? 

Snack?

What do you want for Christmas?

A pony. 

Do you ever run your fingers along the pages of an open book as a substitute for self-gratification? 

Only when I'm on the subway.

If you could fuck a book, which book, and why, and in which position?

I've often thought of stranding The Canterbury Tales somewhere remote, just making it get out of the car to pump the gas or get me a snack or something, and then driving off, leaving it standing there thinking to itself, "Shit! I'm fucked!" I suppose at that point the book would be standing in a parking lot, one hand on its forehead and the other firmly upon one cocked hip, squinting desperately into the fading sun.

Have you ever entertained sexual fantasies about a literary character? If so, please describe your date.

Oh, see, I only entertain sexual fantasies about literary characters who have been portrayed on screen by Colin Firth. Does that count?

Have you ever slept with the editor of this site? If no, please explain.

I understand a number of my fellow escorts have used this question as an opportunity to mock the editor of this site. I think that's unfair. So he only publicizes the affairs he has with famous female novelists? This does not make him a bad person. And anyway, my novel is forthcoming, at which point he can stop being so very, very ashamed about everything.

When you try to pick someone up at a reading, what's your favorite literary euphemism? 

It's not real literary, but I had a lot of success this summer with, "You wanna come over and watch some World Cup Soccer?"

Whose books do you save for bedtime reading in the hopes that the author will visit you in your dreams? If this has ever worked, please describe the nocturnal encounter.

I can't answer this until you rephrase the question in a way that does not make me think of Harry Potter.

Has having had your writing appear on websites ever led to bouts of uncontrollable cyberfucking with perfect strangers? 

Gross, Lee.

When overhearing someone else's sexual encounter, do you (a) put a pillow over your head, (b) grab a pen and paper and try to phonetically capture the experience, or (c) read aloud (as loudly as possible) from Middlemarch?

Middlemarch was my other option for a book to leave in a parking lot.

If you could write yourself into a book, which book, and how would your appearance sexually charge the text?

I have never sexually charged a thing in my life. 

(I was going to answer this question with some witty crap, anthropomorphizing my "appearance" into a shopaholic going nuts in Barnes and Noble, but then I remembered I'd already anthropomorphized The Canterbury Tales, and, besides, I'm not that desperate.)

To what degree has responding to this questionnaire dampened your enslaving valley of love?

IM me later and we'll talk all about it, sweetie.