KAFKA 
The mediation by the serpent was necessary. Evil can seduce man, but cannot become man. 

FIRST GIRL 
Huh? 

KAFKA 
The future is here within me. The only change will be to make visible the hidden wounds.

SECOND GIRL 
Are you a butler? 

KAFKA 
I bet you think the Irish Car Bomb is an axe to break the frozen sea within us.

FIRST GIRL 
Okay? 

KAFKA 
It is true I have a small room of my own, but that is not a home, only a place of refuge where I can hide my inner turmoil, only to fall all the more headlong into its clutches.

SECOND GIRL 
(yelling much too loud) 
I ... like ... your ... accent! 

THIRD GIRL 
We came over here for a semester. We're from, um, do you know ... Marquette? 

KAFKA 
Leopards break into the temple and drink all the sacrificial vessels dry; it keeps happening; in the end, it can be calculated in advance and is incoporated into the ritual.

(All GIRLS nod in unison.) 

SECOND GIRL 
Yaaaa, tota --  totally.

FIRST GIRL
Girl, you are so wasted. (to KAFKA) We go out to Killeen's and here pretty much ... tryin' to get a taste of the culture. Do you like Killeen's? Issa Irish Pub. 

KAFKA 
No. Beyond a certain point there is no return. This point has to be reached. 

THIRD GIRL 
Oh, whyyyyyy? 

KAFKA 
Dread of night. Dread of not-night. And it does not have that which I require. If it had such a thing, I would have simply gone there as many do. 

SECOND GIRL
Hey, so, so ah ... ah'mmmma model! Ah'm ree good model. Jus' model an' real ... good.
(she vomits)

FIRST GIRL
Oh, sweetie, that's okay. (to KAFKA) It's her 21st birthday. She was wantin' to get krunked. 

KAFKA
(nauseated, steps back)
Never again psychology!

THIRD GIRL
Hey, where you goin'? 

KAFKA
It is not necessary to accept everything as true, one must only accept it as necessary.

(An awkward silence ensues. A few moments later, a man slightly younger than KAFKA runs up to the great writer and PUA. The younger man is daubing his forehead with a hankerchief. This is KAFKA's student for tonight. He is, in PUA terms, an RAFC, or Recovering Average Frustrated Chump.) 

RAFC 
Franz! (pants, a beat) You've got to help me. I -- I don't know what to do! It's ... you must know how I am taking a beating out there. 

KAFKA 
If it had been permissible to build the Tower of Babel without climbing it, it would have been permitted. God gives the nuts, but he does not crack them. 

RAFC 
Yes, but -- 

KAFKA 
Life's splendor forever lies in wait about each one of us in all its fullness, but veiled from view, deep down, invisible, far off. It is there, though, not hostile, not reluctant, not deaf. If you summon it by the right word, by its right name, it will come. 

RAFC
To speak plain truth, it is only the Tower of Babe-el I'm wanting to climb tonight!
(KAFKA does not laugh. A minute-long silence follows)
In a manner of saying, I mean.

KAFKA
It isn't necessary that you leave home. Sit at your desk and listen. Don't even listen, just wait. Don't wait, be still and alone. The whole world will offer itself to you to be unmasked, it can do no other, it will writhe before you in ecstasy.

RAFC 
Ecstasy, yes, it's just -- I could really use your help. Get me some sets, Franz, please, Franz. 

KAFKA 
From me you want to learn the way? 

RAFC 
Yes, since I cannot find it myself. 

KAFKA 
Give it up, give it up! 

(Returns attention to GIRLS, but sees they are attending to their drunk friend. Like a terrible black panther, the great author moves across the room. He disappears into a washroom. When he comes out, he is wearing a pair of early 20th-century motor goggles. Where has he procured them from? We do not know. We will never know. Seeking better game, KAFKA glances across the room. A plantium-blonde ten BABE is sitting at a corner table. KAFKA feels drawn across the room to her, like a mole burrowing through the eternal night of underground to some horrible and final destiny. He approaches her table, where she is sitting with orbiting two orbiting AMOGs -- Alpha Males of the Group.) 

KAFKA 
Somebody must have been telling lies about you, for without having done anything wrong you have been accused of a crime. An injurious felony, the crime is one of fake nails. 

BABE 
Excuse me? 

KAFKA 
Your nails are not real. 

FIRST AMOG 
(rising from chair) 
Hey, bra, everyone's just havin' a good time here. 

KAFKA 
(As if to himself). 
Martyrs do not underrate the body, they allow it to be elevated on the cross. In this they are at one with their antagonists. 

SECOND AMOG 
(to KAFKA) 
The hell, scro? 

KAFKA 
(stares at both AMOGs) 
The animal wrests the whip from its master and whips itself in order to become master, not knowing that this is only a fantasy produced by a new knot in the master's whiplash. 

FIRST AMOG 
Uh ... ohhh-kay. 

KAFKA 
We are permitted to crack that whip, the will, over us with our own hand. 

SECOND AMOG 
(in KAFKA's face) 
Dude, she don't want no scrub. 

KAFKA 
(points his finger at them)
The bone of his own forehead obstructs his way; he knocks himself bloody against his own forehead. 

(The AMOGs leave.) 

BABE 
Well, um, that was ... 

KAFKA 
In the fight between you and the world, back the world. 

BABE 
Okay, like, I'm not entirely sure what you did there, but I think you should know I have a boyfr-- 

KAFKA 
A cage went in search of a bird. 

BABE 
(after a long pause) 
I'm ... Amber? 

KAFKA 
(turning to BABE) 
The dream reveals the reality which conception lags behind. That is the horror of life - the terror of art.

BABE 
(politely) 
Ha, ha. Yeah, that's pretty crazy. 

KAFKA 
You know, beauty is common. What's rare is energy and a great personality. My guiding principle is this: Guilt is never to be doubted.

BABE
(playfully punches him in the arm)
Ohmigod, SHUT UP! You are sooo making me blush. Becky's gonna be so sorry she missed you! She luuuuvs German guys.

KAFKA
The right understanding of any matter and a misunderstanding of the same matter do not wholly exclude each other.

BABE 
(squeals with delight) 
I like your goggles. 

KAFKA 
I am nothing but a mass of spikes going through me. 

BABE
Now I know you're coming onto me!

KAFKA
Want to see a magic trick? 

BABE 
Sure! 

KAFKA 
Very well. (Takes her hand) 

BABE
What do you see?

KAFKA
We are as forlorn as children lost in the wood. When you stand in front of me an look at me, what do you know of the grief's that are in me and what do I know of yours. And if I were to cast myself down before you and tell you, what more would you know about me that you know about Hell when someone tells you it is hot and dreadful? For that reason alone we human beings ought to stand before one another as reverently, as reflectively, as lovingly, as we would before the entrance to Hell.

BABE 
Whoa! -- I totally, totally feel the same way. 

KAFKA
Life's splendor forever lies in wait about each one of us in all its fullness, but veiled from view, deep down, invisible, far off. It is there, though, not hostile, not reluctant, not deaf. If you summon it by the right word, by its right name, it will come

BABE
(grins at KAFKA)
Ha, ha, sure, sure. Something tells me you always know the right words. And probably tell them to all the girls, I bet. Like, am I wrong here or what? 

KAFKA 
(stares blankly)
No one else could ever be admitted here, since this gate was made only for you. I am now going to shut it. 

BABE
Oh, okay. Uh, thanks -- ha, I appreciate that, I guess?

KAFKA
What is gayer than believing in a household god?

BABE
My last boyfriend -- believe it! Okay, looking back, I should've seen it, but whatevs ... He didn't dress as nice as you, though. 

KAFKA 
Anything that has real and lasting value is always a gift from within. Who has the gift to recognize beauty, will not live long

BABE 
That's totally deep. 

KAFKA 
Have you met my wing, Max Brod?