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IDIOT PEOPLE WITH GUNS
BY JAMIE ALLEN
(
President Bush, in televised address to the American people:

"My fellow Americans: Today is the dawn of a new America. Today we embark on a cause that shall doubtless provide undeniable challenges. It is a cause that shall doubtless be fraught with danger and difficulty. But it is a cause that will doubtless bring our great country, from the green hills of freedom to the blue shores of discovery, a noble and happy return. It will bring us a world that is safe from treacherous murder and needless death.

"Last year, 40,000 of our very own Americans were killed by guns fired by idiot people. And today, I stand here and announce that we are declaring war on idiot people with guns. We know we are right; we know our cause shall not perish. Just as we declared war on terror after 3,500 of our very own Americans were murdered, we have a new cause. 40,000 Americans. Dead. Never coming back. For what reason? Idiocy. My administration will make sure, it's got to end."

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Vice President Dick Cheney, on NBC's "Meet the Press":

"Guns don't kill people. Idiot people with guns kill people. You've got to keep the idiots from getting their hands on the guns. It's that simple. They threaten democracy by killing people who live in this democracy. They threaten capitalism by killing people who are essential to a capitalist society. They're nothing more than traitorous moles who are trying to bring down this great country of ours. We spend $100 billion each year on gun violence. It's got to stop. I realize it might contradict what good Americans have stood for in the past. And I realize there are some public interest groups that might be offended and even revoke their support of this administration. But we are standing on the cusp of a new world."

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Attorney General John Ashcroft, on CNN's "Larry King Live":

"We are not getting rid of guns. We're getting rid of the idiots with guns. We declared war on terror because terror came to us and picked a fight. We declare war on idiot people with guns because idiot people with guns have picked a fight. And you don't pick a fight with Americans. 40,000 Americans, dead, for no reason, other than some idiot shot them, or some idiot put the gun in a child's hand. It's time to hunt down the idiots."

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Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, during press briefing:

"Are there problems with the system as we have set it up? Yes. We are still working to perfect the system. Are we are going to stop our cause just because somebody disagrees with us? No. We reserve the right to ascertain which people are the idiots with guns and which people mean no harm. That means being covert in our operations. That means going door to door, rounding up people who strike us as suspicious. That means taking time to ascertain what these people are trying to do. That means holding them for a specific period of time, which differs greatly from person to person. It's not an easy task to determine who is an idiot and who is not. No one comes out and admits to being an idiot. And it's not something that can be completed in a day. It will take time. But we will win this war."

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Secretary of State Colin Powell, on NBC's "Today":

"My job is the make sure people understand why the administration is taking this tact. There are 40,000 Americans who are dead, and we know the reason. This administration wants to free the world from that reason. First in the U.S., and then, as situations develop, on the international front."

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Former NRA president Charlton Heston, in a faxed statement:

"After taking counsel with the president, and after a period of introspection hastened to extended length due to the onset of an unexpected but delightful nap, I have decided that the war on idiot people with guns is a just cause, and the rioting should stop. Also, the Dakotas should be returned to the U.S. government."

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Former CBS anchor Dan Rather, in exclusive interview with NBC's Tom Brokaw:

"I've said it to you, my friend, and I'll say it again: I am not an idiot. Yes, I have a gun. Yes, I shoot the gun. But no, I am not an idiot. I do not belong behind these bars."

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British Prime Minister Tony Blair, to Parliament:

"I can understand President Bush's challenge and I therefore support his administration's efforts to rid the world from idiot people with guns, particularly where they threaten us most. There are pockets of resistant idiot people with guns in every country in the entire world; the evidence is indisputable. But that will soon end. We shall join our American allies to end this threat to the international public."

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Banner hanging from the Eiffel Tower:

"Fuck you."

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Natalie Maines of The Dixie Chicks, in an AP news report:

"We are personally very frightened."

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Attorney General John Ashcroft, on Fox News:

"This morning, federal agents entered the Dixie Chick compound and arrested these blonde women on charges of being idiots with access to guns. I'm proud to say, they picked the wrong time to pull the peroxide act with this here administration."

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President Bush, in Rose Garden press conference:

"There seems to be some confusion, so let me be clear: We are the smart people with weapons of mass destruction. We are chasing the idiot people with guns. See the difference? Sometimes our bombs kill people who are not idiots and have no connection to idiots. That can't be denied. But that's just the way it is when you're trying to do something for the good of being right. We didn't start this. The idiots did it to their own selves."

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Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, during press briefing:

"Let me spell it out for you: Any person who puts himself near an idiot with a gun puts himself in harm's way. It's the world we live in; it's just the honest-to-goodness facts. So please, I say to the American and international people, if you know a neighbor who is an idiot and who has a gun, move faraway from their home. Or suffer the consequences."

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Secretary of State Colin Powell, in a faxed statement:

"I resign."

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Attorney General John Ashcroft, on Fox News:

"Today, federal agents entered the Colin Powell compound and found guns. This, coupled with recent idiotic behavior, has led to his arrest. May God bless America."

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Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, during press briefing:

"Yes, we have declared martial law in 70 percent of the world. Yes, we will declare it in the rest. But no, no, for the love of St. Pete, no, we will not end this campaign until every person deemed by this administration to be an idiot with a gun is dead or behind bars. It's simple logic."

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President Bush, during White House Press Dinner:

"Do the math. It's just like the war on terror, and don't our efforts in that make sense? Last year, 40,000 Americans dead. Those are bad deaths. But since then, what, we've killed tens of thousands of idiots and a few strays and suicidals? Those are good deaths. This has nothing to do with world power and domination, as some traitorous idiots have claimed. It has to do with a safer world, with the right people dying and not the wrong people dying. Idiots cause death. They shall perish. It's checks and balances, and we're the bookkeeper. I'd kill or lock up the world if it meant less bad death. I ask you: Do the math."

[Forever after at http://eyeshot.net/idiotguns.html] 

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