WINNING OVER THE MINT: FEBRUARY 7-11, 2003
If you would like to see one of 124 files, randomly selected and provided to you free of charge, click this. If you would like to know when regular operations shall resume, we shall say, for now, perchance the 17th. In accordance with our poor attendance to our labors, now is a good time to submit ye shit. When, in the previous sentence, we wrote "shit," we did so to bring to light the fact that scatological humor is unfairly depised: if "brevity is the soul of wit," then surely shit is the thrumming cock of the scatological. So did you hear about all the new websites? Huh? (What about parenthetical note?) Heard of that one? Huh? How about Me Three? In this epoch of complicated knots and unsure convolutions, this site may appeal to all those more comfortable knitting their brow with the kinkless threads of straight-talk and reason. It may also appeal to Canadians. But have you heard about The Black Table? What about the The Big Jewel? Those last two are sort of similar sounding, huh? Or really, sort of similar looking. But they're totally different. The first is the intellectual equivalent of pressing used condoms into the airtight pages of a hi-tech book to preserve them for posterity, then hiding that book in the uppermost drawer of an extremely dark-colored desk if the desk were not a desk at all and had no drawers but instead was some sort of saucer-shaped thing hovering hovering hovering then zipping off to the farthest reaches of the deepest recesses in your own damn brain, man, whereas the second site (the big jewel) appears to aspire to be a gargantuan diamond whereas it is simply a lovely pearl at the moment. These sites may appeal to The Turkish. Uber.nu linked to us for awhile while they took a while off, how freaking cool is that? Our use of both "a while" and "awhile" in the same sentence! I can't remember which is which. I think "a while" is the noun and "awhile" the adverb. Now freaking cool! So something else that's freaking cool is this: an e-mail came in from this Montreal-based record company, it said they wanted to send us CDs, that is, if we're willing to receive them. Sure, send 'em along, we said. We added an exclamation point too: (!) We suppose they liked the review we put up awhile back of Godspeed You! Black Emperor's new one. This gave us an idea. What if we reviewed the designs on all those new state-specific quarters? What if we wrote something about the first time we used one of those newly designed bills? What if we didn't mention we thought the presidents, Jefferson in particular, looked way too Disneyfied? Would the U.S. Mint put us on their mailing list? Would they send us complimentary samples of their products? It's Friday morning and we're trying to decide whether to write something about money in hope of receiving money. What are you doing? Huh? What are you wearing? What do you think about the new coins? Do they glisten? Does their twinkle satisfy your senses? We recognize that responding to this question would be just another useless diversion from the pressing task of shading one's eyes as our leaders slap hands and send this country to hell in a handbasket. But this is a really lame diversion. Reading this. Your time could be better spent working at an ammunitions factory. Yet do not fret. We shall return with some true beauts around the 17th! And then we shall bap the pony all the way through til sometime deep in the hot, hot summertime, when, with our skin as cracked and burnt as a twice-baked biscuit, we shall take another breather from the otherwise ceaseless provision of online drivel. Sometimes we think this is all such crap: all we are is another hopelessly shitty "literary" website struggling to entertain and enlighten a few thousand slacking office workers, a few dozen creeps way too into googling the phrase how to suck oneself, and a few hundred "writers" throughout the world who've never read George Saunders or DFW or the crucial (if not yet required) Shescape. But y'know, it's not so bad, considering the minimal time and effort we put into it. And we, of course, is really just one person. OK. More later maybe.
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