When you enter the room grab the nearest stubble-faced shlub by the collar and get right in his face and in a voice that lets anyone within earshot know you're tired of being pushed around, say "Look here, chummo."

When you enter the room, as soon as you see a person who is physically attractive, nod almost imperceptibly and say under your breath: "Now that's more like it."

When you enter the room stride purposefully towards the center, then suddenly realize you have no idea where you are, or what you're doing there.

When you enter the room dim the lights and use your all-purpose remote control to skip to track 6 on your copy of Peabo Bryson's Super Hits CD.

When you enter the room suddenly get very dizzy and collapse in an attempt to remind yourself that the floor is still below you, despite the way it's tumbling head over feet with the ceiling.

When you enter the room it is generally held that you have 8 seconds to pick out who you will talk to before people notice you standing there and mentally label you as "indecisive."

When you enter the room it's find the Afikoman or die trying.

When you enter the room try twirling your pen in your fingers and see if she goes for that sort of thing.

When you enter the room you must be so completely in character that you can actually see the old you standing out in the hallway, watching you and thinking "Gosh, what a great job he's doing."

When you enter the room change the toner, grab some pens, and get the hell out of there before people start asking questions.

When you enter the room try to imagine none of this is real.

When you enter the room go right up to the podium, rap thrice quickly on  the microphone and say "Alright none of us wants to be here so I'll keep it short and sweet."

When you enter the room ask for Blanche, then take a seat and wait patiently.

When you enter the room be all fancy.

When you enter the room stop and listen to hear if they lock the door behind you.

When you enter the room hold your arm out, pointing your index finger away from your body and parallel to the floor, and keeping your thumb up and perpendicular to the floor, so that your hand looks like a gun.

When you enter the room jump on the couch and yell "Did somebody say 'beer pong'?"

When you enter the room do it humbly and remember that they are here to help you, and not the other way around, although yes, learning is a two-way street, we did talk about that last week.

[Forever after at http://eyeshot.net/fanning.html


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Last Year Today




Eyeshot, something having nothing much at all to do with eyes,
is happy to provide the following announcement for the cinematic premier
of an eye-intensive experience, which you are invited to see this sunday evening,
appropriately entitled "StareMaster," about which Rick Moody once said, or possibly wrote:
"The film is about watching, what watching means, and as such, it gets to the very heart of cinema.
It's also very funny;" see below for more information, or simply visit the official StareMaster home.

Will have its New York big screen premiere Sunday April 6th 10pm
at CC Village East (2nd Ave/12th St) as part of the New York Independent Film Festival!

The festival will be throwing an after party and your ticket stub will get you in for free!

StareMaster: The Movie (65min documentary, 2003) dramatizes to absurdity the final night in a
weeklong tour by the StareMaster project—a live-action game show in which combatants
attempt to stare one another down through a barrage of distractions. The action unfolds
in the sleepy Southern town of Pensacola, FL, where the filmmakers follow eight
participants as they compete against one another for the title of StareMaster2002.
With a deadpan sense of seriousness and purpose, the film delivers a
riotous critique of popular entertainment. Without resorting to
heavy-handed polemics, it calls into question the
increasingly arbitrary distinction between
spectators and the spectacle.
For advanced tickets,
click here.

jamie allen, ben brown, and neal pollack
got this going on come friday