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There is nothing finer in this world than Elizabeth Ellen. And strangely enough, despite my male patterned baldness, my extremely small and undyingly flaccid, crooked purple penis, my acne sores, the inflamed blisters on my testicles, and my unassailably terrible breath, the type of breath that makes you wonder at what point a gluttonous walrus wobbled and slithered into bed with me and piled a load of something steaming into my mouth during my nocturnal reveries, I still, according to the eyeshot love calculator, have a 94% chance of finding love with Ms. Ellen. 

My percentage dropped significantly to 47% when I entered my high school nickname "fat bastard." But she seems cool with "small cocked losers" at 93.5%, a little less pumped on the "diseased mutants" at 85%, almost a little too pumped on "ugly muthafuckers" with a solid 94.5%, and mysteriously fine with "your name here" at 95.5%. 

I beat out the crappy carpenter "Jesus Christ" who only scored a 76.5% chance of love with Elizabeth and kicked the shit out of "Bin Laden" who only got a measly 68%. 

"Ron Jeremy" beat me out with a 97.5% and so did "your mother" with 97%. "Elizabeth Ellen" also has a better chance of screwing herself at 95%, and so does "you" at 99%.

I am in search of the one soul who has a 100% chance of finding true and unsolicited love with Elizabeth Ellen. I would be more than willing to exchange, barter, beat, and steal for your percentage rating. 

Please let me know what I can do. 


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