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Dear Future Employer:

I would like the job with your company. I understand your company wants a person who can take the position immediately. I am confident that I could assume the position your company desires. I believe I can assume this position and occupy it indefinitely. I am a future employee of your company. Yes, I am talking to you, you dog-eared slut.

I really want to work for your company. I am equipped with an ideal level of enthusiasm. My enthusiasm is well balanced. The level of my enthusiasm is neither high enough to inspire resentment in other employees, nor low enough to embarrass the hiring judgment of the human-resources department. Your mother was a cheap whore, but she had great relish for the enterprise. Much the same can be said of me. Hiring me would be a wonderful tribute to your mother, that sorry but hard-working ho.

I have it on solid authority that your company is first-rate. Your company is world-class. Your company is a global fucking menace. In fact, your company is Number One on many lists: for example, the List of First Rate Companies, the List of Merry Mergers, the List of Tip Top Stock Stops, the List of Eternal Returns, the List of Expansions and Contractions, the List of Greens, the List of Blues, the List of Yellows, the List of Yellowish-Blues, the List of Bluish-Purples, the List of Most Often Referenced, the List of Hallowed and Venerated, the List of Broad Shields, the List of Warmly Congratulated, the List of Powers of Recall, the List of Endangered Reproductions, the List of Gastritis, the List of Large Feet Descending from Clouds, the List of Fossils, the List of Unreimbursed Damages, the List of Deadly Gasses, the List of Moats, the List of Throat Plugs, the List of Faeries, and the List of Preemptive Venoms. 

I have it on less solid but as far as I am concerned irrebuttably trustworthy authority (that being the press releases distributed by your public-relations representatives) that your company has not: (a) killed anyone worth more than one-twentieth of the projected budget for the litigation department, (b) manufactured any product that has provided less than ten minutes of moderate consumer satisfaction or more than permanent physical disfigurement, (c) had any truck with a Vice President encouraging as a matter of unwritten tactical policy toeing up to the edge of antitrust laws and pretending to lose his or her balance and "accidentally" stepping over that edge into a pool of profit and then turning around and blaming the other Vice Presidents, who stand smiling with their hands behind their backs, for intentionally pushing him or her, an act that would make the issue an internal matter and not one with which the federal government would be reasonably suited to deal, and (d) interviewed anyone more qualified than I to assume a desired position.

Rest assured that I endorse those "cutting-edge" and "tried-and-true" economic theories your company espouses, esteems and deploys with no mercy and less foresight. I am able to take the points of view of the "Team," the "System," the "Company," and the "Board," and guide my behavior accordingly. It is not that people must be sacrificed in the battle for prosperity and progress; it is, rather, that poor people, preferably poor foreign people, must be sacrificed for the delusional struggle to make your cock appear thicker and mightier than it is. Your business is information, and information includes the virtuous diameter and angle of ascent of the thick and mighty cock you do not now and have never possessed. War is not pretty. I know that now. Your father had a wallop of a ding-dong. You, in the other hand, have to lean very far forward indeed, at certain times of the day or night even bracing yourself against the tiled wall, just to avoid pissing on your zipper. Let me say that I am willing and eager to assume this position in your company, and to lend a hand whenever appropriate.

You have hired smarter individuals. They have betrayed you, and lived fulfilling lives right under your nose. You have hired dumber individuals. They have betrayed you, and started companies of their own.  You have hired women. They have betrayed you, and left to fill the unspoken quotas at other companies, for they don't realize how much nob-humming and bum-tonguing you had to do to get where you are now. You have hired African-Americans and Latin-Americans and Asian-Americans, and they now pose for the brochures of your competitors. You have put your friends on the Board, your children in private schools, your lobbyists near Capitol Hill. You have tried everything. Except me. 

When you have tried everything, and nothing works, then go with nothing. I am nothing. I am nothing. You will see. I will not disappoint you. I am nothing, you royal goof. You sizzling flare. You video cologne. You white box of colored sands. 

Thank you for this opportunity to steal precious moments from the silk purse of your life. I look forward to being absorbed into the form letter of your personality, and hanging like a paper moon within your ribs.


[Forever after available at


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